Tf2 x reader headcanons/oneshots

SPEEDRUN

ALRIGHT I JUST READ A FUNNY SOLDIER LEMON AND I'M LISTENING TO DREAM MUSIC (DU DU DU DU) SO HERE HAVE JOKE ONESHOT

Soldier was playing some solitaire with the others - as usual - when Scout started to win (though he was most likely cheating as he always does). "What?! How is this possible that you are so good?!" Exclaimed Soldier. All Scout did was smirk and give his best insult to the man. "That's what your mom said when I had sex with her."

"You've never even done it with a girl." Sniper remarked, causing Scout to scoff in response. "What!? Of course I have! It's Soldier here who hasn't!" He quickly retorts. "I can so, because...." Almost everyone in the room knows where this was going. "That's right, because I'm American!" Of course he would say that...

"Fine then! If you get with a girl in 3 hours- No, 1- 30 minutes, I'll let you use my bedroom for your stupid raccoons to breed or whatever cr-p they do!" Soldier raised his finger and opened to his mouth, but then realised the time limit set by Scout. "....Starting now?" Scout chuckled, obviously not taking the challenge seriously since it seemed impossible. "Yeah, sure, starting now." As if by magic, Soldier had disappeared into thin air; he was so fast! "....What-" Scout looked around for the rocket jumping patriot, but couldn't see him anywhere. "Eh, this'll be fun."

"FOR AMERICA!!!!" Exclaimed Soldier, rocket jumping to the nearest city. "And for Lieutenant Bites." He added, landing in a nearby city and looking out for people. "Hmmm.... HEY YOU! WOULD YOU LIKE TO HAVE SEX WITH ME? I'M AMERICAN!" Shouted Soldier at a poor unsuspecting woman, who immediately ran and screamed in response, dropping her bah in the process. "HEY- I asked if you wanted to have sex, not give me this purse...!" He grabbed the purse and rested it on his shoulder, then proceeded to run around, harassing women (just by shouting don't worry). Then he remembered a woman he met in a shop one time. She seemed nice, maybe nice enough to help him with something like this? He had to hurry though, considering he presumably had only a couple minutes left. Arriving at the cafe she worked in, he grabbed the money out the purse (there was quite a lot) and slammed on the counter, getting the girls attention. "Ah- Hello?" She walked to the counter. "Hello, (Y/n)! I would like a coffee please!" Surely small talk might convince her? "Oh, it's you! Of course I can get you one, what type would you like-"

"Listen woman, I'm going to be frank with you, I have a bet that I can have sex with someone in 30 minutes, so if you could speed this up and just take me to the bathroom or something..." (Y/n) stared at him for a moment, then walked back into the backroom, slamming the door behind her. "Is that a yes?" He called. After waiting a minute or so, he decided that it was best to give up on that challenge thing.

"Couldn't do it, huh?" Scout joked as Soldier came back to the base's common room. "Listen, all those women probably didn't know how AMERICAN I was! And if they did, they would me lining up to be with a true American like me!" Soldier replied, as he plopped on the couch. "....and if they didn't they were probably commies...." Not only had he failed the mission, but he had probably also ruined any chance of being with (Y/n). Wait. Did he like her? Like, like like her? ".......shit." He would need to apologise quickly, before she closed the shop.... In 30 minutes. "SHIT-" And so the timer started again, as he immediately pushed pass Scout and grabbed his rocket launcher yet again.

Okay I know this probably wasn't what you guys wanted but I was just suddenly inspired sorry-

I promise real updates will be arriving as quick as I can make them guys just stay calm-