Dearest, Darling (S.R)

Chapter Twenty Two

Warm, heavy hands landed on my shoulders, guiding me out of the house. Someone took my gun from my hand as he stepped outside, the movement snapping me out of my haze. My legs gave way and I sat down on the porch step, gripping it with my hands to stop them from shaking. I still hadn't looked up, my eyes were fixed to the ground in front of me. I was vaguely aware of someone sitting down next to me. Everything was moving in slow motion.

The image was playing over and over again in my mind. Me moving, him shooting, her hitting the floor. I gripped the step harder, swallowing the lump in my throat. Black shoes stepped into my vision in front of me, I didn't look up. I tried to blink the images away. My chest tightened up, I couldn't breathe properly. It seemed impossible to take in a breath of air. I squeezed my eyes shut tight, shutting out my surroundings, the ringing in my ears growing louder.

Breathe Maddie.

"It's all my fault," I whispered quietly. My voice quivered and I let out a shaky breath.

Breathe.

A blanket was placed around my shoulders. The ringing in my ears started to quieten down and the noise of the chaos surrounding me overwhelmed me. Bile rose to the back of my throat. I lifted a hand up in front of me, blood had coated my hands and splattered up my arms. My hands shook furiously, I willed the tears flooding my eyes not to spill. A large hand landed on top of mine, moving it down back by my side. I turned my head slightly to the right to see Spencer's bright blue eyes staring back.

"It's not your fault," he murmured. I couldn't move again, couldn't stop my bottom lip from quivering and the tears from pouring down my face. I lost all strength from my body, collapsing into his side as I sobbed. He held me tight, stroking my head. I don't know how long I cried for. I don't know how long Spencer let me sit there for. The next few hours were a blur. Before I even started registering what had happened, we were back on the jet heading home. Most of the blood had been cleaned up off me but it was still under my fingernails and probably in my hair. I started picking at my fingers, scraping away any possible reminder of what I had witnessed.

"Maddie," Hotch stated, pulling my attention away. I looked up at him. "If you need to take some time off to process this I completely understand. None of us saw it ending this way."

"I'm fine," I croaked. It was the first words I'd spoken properly since being in the house. I could feel Spencer's eyes glued to me from across the jet.

"Maddie, I need you to know this wasn't your fault. You did everything right." He looked so concerned. I just nodded at him, my attention going back to the dirt under my nails. "You can have as long as you need, no questions asked. I need you to be okay before coming back to work, you're a vital member of this team but I can't have you out in the field if your head isn't fully in it. You have got to look after yourself too."

"I'm fine," I repeated before walking away, heading to the bathroom.

Looking at my reflection, I understood why he was so worried. My blonde hair was matted with blood stains, there were still splatters across my cheek. Dark circles took up half my face and there was no emotion behind the green eyes that stared back at me. I looked horrendous. I swallowed hard, splashing my face with cold water, attempting to scrub the spots they had missed cleaning me up before. I spent 10 minutes washing my hands, no matter how hard I scrubbed, they still felt dirty.

~ Spencer ~

He watched her sleep. Her eyes twitching furiously as she entered her REM cycle. Spencer studied her, he'd been in that position before and knew there was nothing he could do or say to make it better. They dealt with death and murder all day every day, but watching it happen right in front of your eyes is something totally different. Nothing can ever prepare you for it. Even when you do everything right, you still sometimes feel like you've failed.

There was a dull solemn atmosphere in the jet, the entire team was drained. Maddie was usually the life of the team, without her bringing everyone up, it was miserable. No one knew what to say to one another, not that there was much to say. Seeing Maddie this way made him think back to Tobias Hankle. He thought about how he'd found his own way to escape the feeling, and vowed to never let Maddie get to that point. He subconsciously itched at the inside of his arm, no matter how hard he tried, he couldn't help but miss that feeling.

It was a rough flight back, turbulence was shaking the plane every 5 minutes. Every movement was putting Spencer on edge, worrying that it would wake Maddie up. He gripped the arm rests of his chair as the plane shook, Emily was stood in the kitchen making coffee. The vibrations made her lose her balance slightly causing her to drop her mug onto the worktop. Maddie woke up from the loud noise, jumping in her seat with a gasp. Her eyes searched the room fractically, and her hands started to shake as she lifted them to her face.

"Maddie," Spencer said calmly, "Maddie, you're okay. You're on the jet it's fine." She wasn't even acknowledge him as she moved her hand in front of her space, inspecting her fingers. "Hey, Maddie?" He asked again, louder this time. The entire team was looking at her, concern plaguing their faces. She finally looked up at him, her eyes big and wild. Her breathing started to slow and the her tremors subsided as she took in her surroundings.

"I," she swallowed hard. "I thought..."

"I know," he replied. "I know what you thought." He reached out his hand, placing it on top of hers. "You're okay."

He studied her face, watched how the fear finally left her eyes and drained into nothingness. He almost wished for that terrified look to come back, at least then he knew what she was thinking.

"I'm fine, Spencer." She pulled her hand away from his and headed to the bathroom.

"I'm sorry," Emily murmured to no one in particular. Spencer looked across to Morgan, who just gave him a pitiful smile in return. There was absolutely nothing anyone could do except just be there for Maddie right now. He just hoped that she would accept their help.

Maddie hadn't spoken a word to him the entire car journey home, she just sat staring straight ahead, that empty look plaguing her face. He squeezed her leg, smiling encouragingly at her as he pulled up outside of her apartment. 

"We're here," he said as softly as he could, careful as to not make her jump at the sudden noise. She just looked across and smiled before unbuckling her seat belt. 

"I'm tired Spence, I'll text you tomorrow," was all she said before climbing out of his car and walking away from him. 

The pang of disappointment churned in his gut as her blunt dismissal. All he wanted to do was follow her inside and hold her, prove to her that she wasn't alone but he didn't want to cause her to shut him out completely by pushing too hard. He had to trust that she would open up to him when she was ready but that knot of anxiety that he was making a mistake by leaving her alone only grew as he drove away.