Living Without Dreams

Chapter 22 - Reconnecting

"You didn't pray with me this evening," Greg remarked as he and Susan got ready for bed.

"I wasn't supposed to, was I?" Susan asked as she changed into her nightgown.

"You could have, Susan," he told her. "I know our love life isn't exactly back to normal yet."

"Sorry," she said in a slightly guilty tone. "I know my libido is a bit lacking yet. I did pick up some lubricant at the store though, so that should help."

"I think you need to be patient with yourself," Greg told her. "You are trying to behave as though everything is back to normal ... but you aren't. Not yet. I understand that."

"I know, but Greg ... is it so wrong for me to want to be close to you?" she asked.

"Even when you're not really ready? We did that Tuesday. You weren't ready and you ended up weeping. Don't rush yourself so much. I'm not going anywhere," Greg assured her.

Susan nodded. This was the part she'd always hated about each miscarriage ... trying to decide when things felt normal again.

"So you're opposed to the idea, even if I want to," she tried, wanting to be clear.

"Sexual relations are your right of course. My intension is not to deny that to you," Greg told her as he put his pajamas on. "But why ask for it when you don't really want to?"

"There is a reason why marital relations are often described as intimacy, Greg, and not just sex. Prostitutes have sex. Strangers have sex. Intimacy has no part in what they have ... but it does for us, and that is what I crave. I suppose though that given how Tuesday turned out, you have every reason in the world to doubt that," she said.

"Intimacy ... without sex?" he asked doubtfully.

"That's not what I said," Susan answered.

"I don't understand. What is it you want?" he asked.

"You," she said simply. "You know that for me sex with you is as much about the emotional closeness as it is the physical linking. Sometimes, there's a spiritual aspect to it too ... every once in a while. It's like a healing balm to me when that happens. Wounds deep within my heart tend to heal. It feels like this could too, under the right conditions."

Greg stared at his wife. He actually did understand what she was asking from the way she described it. But he also knew such occurrences were rare, and could not be produced on demand. She was right though. The experience had the power to heal the deepest of their emotional wounds. It was an event like that which had finally allowed him to begin healing from the damage caused by his memory of the fire.

 "Such occurrences are as much about prayer as they are sex," he cautioned.

Susan bowed her head. "I know. I know it's a lot to hope for ... but I have been praying. I have been each and every day ... and so have you. I've asked for the Lord's guidance ... to learn how He would have me to heal from something like this. I know there aren't any answers to this in our dreams," Susan said.

Greg paused in what he was doing. Their dreams had never gotten so far before, and he was beginning to realize what it might mean to live beyond them; the guide they'd depended on so much during their journey and in the early days of their marriage was not exactly gone ... but couldn't help them anymore. There was no wisdom learned in past lives that could help them with this, no way to know what they might have done wrong ... what the pitfalls might be.

"That is true," Greg agreed.

Susan nodded. "I know that time in our lives has passed ... or has nearly passed. To find our answers now, we need to look forward. I also know from my prayers that the answer to this is to have faith, to learn to understand that it is a tool for Him to test us ... and if we are successful, it will bind us more tightly together than we already are. My body may not be back to normal, but I am willing to submit myself to God's will. To open my heart to whatever it is in regards to you he has planned. My only source of doubt is about whether you are willing to do that too ... or if you are ready to. I thought you might be after what we each went through last weekend."