Jacob couldn’t stand silence. If I didn’t respond, he got bored, and when he was bored, he left as soon as he could. He’d always been the one to start the conversations we had – if I had my way, there’d never have been any words passed between us at all.
Recently though – since our little fight the other day – I’d been ignoring him completely. He came in, set food on the bed, tried to start a conversation and then just turned and left again, bored. Of course, there was a good few minutes in between when he tried to make things as awkward was possible for me, trying to provoke some kind of reaction, though so far he hadn’t succeeded. It would have been nearly entertaining, watching him, if I didn’t feel the way I did.
The thing was, if someone had asked me, I couldn’t say exactly what I did feel right then.
“And...you’re just going to ignore me again, aren’t you?”
I felt like an idiot, that was sure. After keeping that a secret for so long, and after being comfortable in the fact that there was still parts to me that no-one here new, and the fact that there was always something up my sleeve if I needed it… Just knowing that I’d blown it like that was almost sickening.
I didn’t move – I hadn’t stirred since he’d come in, I was watching out of the window, almost as though I was waiting for something to happen. Despite this, I saw his expression shift out of the corner of my eye, and knew exactly what look he was giving me. He was considering me, trying to come up with some way to make me do something.
I guess I felt almost betrayed that I’d let myself do that. I’d never meant to – that was sure, but I felt almost hollow in that something I’d been hiding – been protecting – for so long was suddenly gone. Goodness knew what he’d told the others out there once he’d left. Of course, I still had a chance that none of the others knew – Jacob wasn’t an easy one to admit defeat. The fact that I’d kicked him of all things wouldn’t be something he was boasting about. If it had been something he’d been expecting and he’d given, maybe he’d say something – but to really surprise him, I couldn’t be sure. It wasn’t as if I had any contact with anyone outside other than him either, which meant I had no way to know.
His eyes were still focused on my face, I could tell. He hadn’t moved at all since they’d settled there. I blinked, slowly, distracted.
There were still parts to me that everyone here didn’t know, but now there was one less. And it was the most threatening one that was gone as well. The others didn’t really matter – they literally were symbols of the past was the past, though this one made a difference. If the guards realised that I might be able to fight back if I really had to, if it ever came to a physical thing, they’d treat me different. They’d assess me. They might even see me as a threat, depending on how much Jacob had told them.
Bearing that in mind though, surely he had some kind of duty to tell them? Or to tell Calix at least.
Jacob shifted his weight across from one side to the other. We’d been here enough times now that I knew that meant he’d be leaving soon.
I suppose I had to admit, no matter how much I didn’t want to, that a part of me also felt proud. I mean, anyone would; after four years or merely thinking about all that and all the defence and the strikes and weight, and it still worked. Obviously there were some things that you just never forgot, but this was something that should be practised. I was purely amazed that I’d been able to see when it would work and get my timing in, let alone the strength behind it.
Jacob sighed.
I liked it, being able to do these things. Sure, it was irritating that they’d found out – if they had. And sure, I wasn’t too keen on the fact that I hadn’t realised I was going to do it until I had, but at least I knew it was there as a reflex if I needed it. At least I knew it was still there… I still had my last line, my memory.
I pulled my knees up to my chest when he’d gone.
Not knowing what I thought of it was probably a good thing. Despite what I wanted to think, I also had to admit that there was a small part of me feeling a little smug. I’d finally gotten one over on Jacob – shown him I wasn’t the defenceless little girl he saw me as.
