“Where’s Conner?”
“He’s gone.”
“What?”
“Gone, left, vamoosed. He’s not here, and hasn’t been for a while come to think of it. He had to leave for something or other for the boss. Well, I’m not sure that’s right. Calix wanted him to do something, but I thought he said no. Either way, he aint here anymore.”
That was an uncharacteristic amount for Jacob to say. I just hoped I was wrong when I thought that the reason behind it was the true confusion I heard in his voice. By the end of his statement, he’d returned to his normal self – blunt and uncaring.
“When...” I began. Jacob looked up when my voice shook. I saw the smugness in his eyes as I admitted that he had been right about us, but there was nothing I could do to stop the wavering in my tone. “When...”
“I don’t know if he’s even coming back.”
And he didn’t even say goodbye.
I wasn’t going to pretend that the thought didn’t sound childish, because it did. I knew that something so insignificant shouldn’t have made me feel as crushed as I did...but Conner was gone – really, truly gone. And I didn’t know if he’d be back. Even if he did come back, I had no promise that it would be for me.
I wouldn’t say that my heart shattered into a thousand pieces when I heard Jacob’s words because that’s not what happened. I wouldn’t lie to myself and explain how each jagged piece cut through me like sharp, endless splinters, or that my heart fell silent as soon as the true meaning of it settled in my mind. I wouldn’t do it because what really happened felt much, much worse.
I mean, yes, I’d had some pretty rubbish revelations when it came to relationships over the years. I hadn’t had anything full out and tragic and I would never pretend to, but I’d had my fair share. There would always be heartbreaks, and there would always be the times where you can’t tell what you feel, there would always be the ones that came back to bite, the ones that sparked the gossip, the ones that you couldn’t get away from, the ones that didn’t seem real until they sunk in, the ones that weren’t your fault, the ones that were, the ones you knew were coming but still hurt… There’d always be the ones that shocked you, and the ones you looked back at and said, “How did I not see that coming?” There always would be, but this wasn’t any of them. I mean, nothing had been said.
There wasn’t anything to be said exactly, not after what I’d told him last time, but he knew I didn’t mean that. Didn’t he? He had to.
I didn’t like this feeling. Everything sunk so quickly; in a few seconds I went from being a bit uncomfortable to never being able to see another string of happiness in my future. Without Conner, and without knowing he was near, my everything just drained out of me, literally. I felt weak. Just knowing that he wouldn’t be there with me when anything happened, I wouldn’t be able to turn round and have him behind me, I wouldn’t be able to spend every spare moment with him… It seemed so empty. Suddenly my days were stretching out before me, and where before there’d been comfort, there was nothing but a hollow space.
I didn’t have any idea what I wanted or how I wanted this, but it simply wasn’t this way. It wasn’t this huge gap in my stomach, this hole inside me, just this feeling of not knowing I hated the most. The rest of it I barely felt, it was just a spreading numbness across my body, but the not knowing felt like a sharp jab, one that wouldn’t go away. Just because nothing was sure; if Jacob didn’t know when he’d be back, it could be weeks – months – before I saw him again, and so much could change. I didn’t know where he was, what if something happened? Anything could, and I simply wouldn’t know. It was the idea that anything could be going on, and I had no way to know.
And this was all on top of the pure upset as I remembered his last departure as well. Aside from everything I’d felt the first time round, every time I’d thought about it, I’d realised something else I’d done wrong. It was all my doing, I was sure by this point, but at the time there just hadn’t seemed to be another option.
It was amazing what you realised when you looked back at something.
“This mean we’re back to talking again, then?” Jacob asked, smirking.
I didn’t reply.
