I didn’t try to sleep that night; I was almost afraid of what I’d see. I never tried to think about what I did or what I’d done, but with Rena entering my dreams each night, I didn’t have much of a choice.
So, I figured, if I had to think about all of these things, I may as well do it when I was awake, and when the subject was up to me rather than anyone else.
I didn’t want a repeat of the previous night. I wasn’t quite sure what I’d done to my shoulder – I wasn’t experienced in assessing injuries, despite the number I seemed to acquire – but whatever it was Rena had fixed it this morning. It hadn’t healed instantly, but it had at least numbed for a few hours. By the time I’d realised she’s actually done something, this effect had worn off and it was as good as new. I didn’t like Rena’s visits. I almost went as far as to say I didn’t like her, but there was something about her that drew me towards her. It could just be her powers that did that, I remembered. I knew there was something in her that calmed those she was around, and judging from the way people reacted around her I wondered whether she could make them accept her. I clashed with her too much to relax around her. I sort of believed that the reason I’d acted so badly earlier was because it was her.
I didn’t feel as bad anymore. This time I wasn’t going through the same torment as last night. It was very similar, but it seemed as though there was a veil across the violent part of me. I sort of wanted to get up, to punch and lash and break something, but on the other hand, it really didn’t seem worth the effort. I didn’t have much energy to waste anyhow – anything I did do would just tire me out, and then I’d practically be inviting Rena back.
My eyes were slowly scanning the room, at a loss for something to focus on. There wasn’t much there, and I was reluctant to look towards the door. I knew I couldn’t get out of it. It was locked tonight; I’d checked. I was sat on the bed, with the feeling that there was something important on my mind, but that it was something just out of reach. I wasn’t entirely sure what memory wanted revisiting right now, but it didn’t seem to be one of the bad ones – it didn’t feel particularly bad anyway.
I didn’t really feel much if I was honest with myself though. I felt kind of padded. It was a weird sensation – I couldn’t say I was empty or distant, but I didn’t feel full and ready either. It felt like whatever was inside me was sort of expanded to the point where it could take an impact without harm, but not to the point that it would just deflate at it.
The veil seemed to be separating me not only from the violence I’d learnt, but also from the emotions. Part of me worried this might be another of Rena’s tricks, but it didn’t seem that way. I could see the emotions, and there was an echo of them in my thoughts, I just couldn’t react to them. I almost wanted to test it, and see if this emotionless state would hold up should I remember something terrible, but I was afraid of what might happen if it didn’t. I wasn’t about to risk those feelings again. I could’ve tested it against something happy I supposed, but those thoughts usually turned quickly around, and besides – the positive emotions seemed even more suppressed than the negative ones.
I reached out for the dry sponge by the pillow. Somehow, someone had come to an agreement and arranged something to my advantage. As Jacob had pointed out to me earlier that day, having me go out every so often for showers and washes and whatnot was slowly going to break down the system, and it defeated the point of locking me up. I’d half been counting on this, but it didn’t surprise me that someone else had seen this too. This meant that earlier, there’d been a nice tub of warm water and a sponge left in here for me. The tub was over in the corner, but the water was cool and uninviting now. I’d just had to sponge down and deal with it. The wash had made me feel much calmer, and I had a towel thrown over the bottom of the bed as well now.
