Rena wasn’t in my dreams at all that night, I was struggling to keep my eyes closed long enough to give her the option. I squirmed against the sheets, kicking out at them and twisting them around my body, but I simply couldn’t get comfortable.
After only a short while I gave up and threw myself out of the bed, steering quickly across the room. I stopped just before the wall and squeezed my eyes tight shut, swaying a little from the sudden change. I rested my forehead on my fist against the wall, hoping the room would stop spinning if I stayed like that.
Conner was gone. Conner was gone. Conner was gone; gone – as it, not here, and possibly not coming back.
There was a huge argument raging inside my head. Half of me was screaming, yelling, asking how I could’ve let this happen how I could’ve driven him away, while the other half was backed into a corner, trying to find a defence. There wasn’t one. That second half of me shook; it trembled, stammered and shivered violently, clinging to itself and trying to see a way through the clouds of mist and darkness before it. The second half of me cowered, it cried, and it tried to crawl away from the feelings of wretchedness it found.
Still, I seemed to be stuck in a third part of my mind, merely witnessing the encounter. I wanted to reach out and help my second half, but I pretty much agreed with the first. I shouldn’t have let this happen, I shouldn’t have ended up in such a predicament, I shouldn’t have been put in a position where this could happen. I definitely shouldn’t have landed myself somewhere where I couldn’t do anything I about it.
The thing was, this third part of me was serene. It wanted to help the second half, but remained emotionless and unchanged by its suffering. It listened to the first half and took everything on board, but felt no reaction to its words. It didn’t retreat and try to deny them, but it wasn’t distressed or angry either, as I would’ve expected. If someone else had been yelling at me and blaming me for everything, I would’ve been angry – usually regardless of whether or not the problem was actually my fault to begin with.
The third mind was completely emotionless, and I almost wished it would swallow me whole, and take all the hatred and fear away. It was so tiny though, this peace, that this was never an option.
I could feel the tears starting in my eyes, and I knew if I didn’t stop it, soon there’d be too many for me to see through.
My stomach felt empty, longing. I didn’t know what to do – I’d never felt anything this strong before. My whole life was suddenly laid before me, like a long straight corridor, but it was so bland and abandoned that there seemed little point walking it just to reach the end.
Everything Rena had told me came back to me – it was almost buzzing. She’d said Calix was only a few walls away from me. I squirmed a little at the thought, uncomfortable. I didn’t like it, but did that mean he could hear me?
Without any further thought I turned and threw myself against the door, hitting it with such force it shock. I heard something click and realised in dismay that it hadn’t even been locked before that. Angry tears stared to pool in my eyes and I hit it again and again, the bottom of my fist colliding with the thick hard wood, almost as though the impact would take me back that vital minute and I’d know it was open.
Vaguely, I wondered what the guards outside thought of the thumps they could undoubtedly hear right now. I felt sick to the stomach for being such an idiot – the door had been open, and who knew how long for? It wasn’t locked – and hadn’t been for a long while – it couldn’t have been.
Soon I was conscious of the wracking sobs escaping from my chest, and felt them shaking me. I couldn’t stop them. I tried, squeezing my eyes closed tight and feeling my nails digging deep into my palms. I lashed out harder, and even I could hear the screams as I hit against the simple door with everything I had.
Breathing in sharply, I swayed back, shoving away from it with such force I almost over balanced – I only just caught myself. Staring at the door with blurry eyes, I took a few more steps back, almost as though the pain I felt was attached to it and stepping away could get rid of it.
My head was buzzing and I felt the adrenaline in my veins as I took my final step away. My hands were behind me, almost braced against an invisible barrier there. I leant back a little, my weight on my back leg, and after a few seconds of silence shoved my whole body forwards, pushing back and propelling myself towards the object – like a coiled spring released. I turned a little to the side so that my shoulder took the full contact and after a split second I felt it screaming in pain.
Suddenly I couldn’t move anymore; I was drained. Still leaning against the door, with the stings of my shoulder shooting down my arm, I slid harshly to the ground, tilting my head against the rough surface, just relieved to feel its touch. Somehow, I was far enough away that my shoulder wasn’t touching it; only my forehead felt the wood before me.
With teardrops collecting on my lashes, I clenched my hands into fists beneath me and forced the jagged air around me into my lungs.
