Dissolving

Chapter 29 - Courage

I wake up completely disorientated.

It takes me a moment to get my bearings and when I realize that I am in my room, in my own bed, a wave of relief washes over me. I must have had a bad dream or something.

I don't normally wake up in the middle of the night. And telling from how dark it is in my bedroom, it must be just that. I blindly reach out for the alarm clock on my bedside table to check the time. My fingers are clammy and I only now notice that my heart is beating kind of fast. Taking a few seconds to catch my breath – it feels like I have been running, which is absolutely crazy, seeing as I am lying in bed – I try to remember what I dreamt about. Random images flash through my mind.

A close up of Alex's face, disappointment clearly visible on his otherwise kind features.

Sand, lots of it, like in photos I have seen of the Sahara.

A shadowy figure throwing something into the air. It looks like cash.

Burning candles on a cake that, at first glance, looks like chocolate but is actually more like a charred piece of – something.

All of these images are accompanied by the chilling sound of laughter. There is a mocking tone to it, but I cannot identify who the voice belongs to.

A shiver runs down my spine. I am not able to make head or tail of this mess that seems to be my mind and that confuses me more than it probably should.

It is normal to have dreams every once in a while, right?

But this is the second time within only a few days that I woke up from a dream that leaves me chilled to the bone. That is not normal for me. I am not someone to have nightmares, at least not that I remember. If this can even be called a nightmare. It was more like situations randomly put together, creating utter, confusing chaos in my brain.

Then I recall my initial goal of finding out what time it is. My fingers are still ice cold and they don't do a very good job of obeying my commands because they won't stop trembling when they finally touch the alarm clock. I struggle to hit the button that lights up its digital face to show me the required information.

1:12am.

I let out a desperate sigh.

Is this becoming a new habit?

24 hours ago, I was already struggling with insomnia and I ended up forcing poor Jordan to stay up with me half the night to bake a cake. But at the thought of the successful surprise for Will, a small smile ghosts my lips. At least that worked out, with a lot of "convincing" (aka bullying, depending on who you ask) by my brothers.

For a second, I consider checking on Alex, just to make sure that he is actually asleep in his room. I quickly shake that thought off. It is bad enough that my brothers are always paranoid when it comes to us kids. I don't want to become like them. I should trust him. If Alex says that he is staying home and that he is not planning to go anywhere, I will believe him. Just because he is keeping a few family secrets from me doesn't mean that he is a liar.

Feeling really cold now, I quickly shove my arms back underneath the blanket, shuffling around to get more comfortable to hopefully find sleep again. My cover appears to be stuck somewhere on the other side of the bed so I pull at it more forcefully. When it still doesn't give way, I reach out to untuck it only for my hand to come into contact with something solid about a foot away from me. I startle when the unidentified "thing" moves.

"For fuck's sack, can you maybe lay still for a freakin' second?"

What is he still doing here?