Dissolving

Chapter 31 - Twisted Mind

It isn't like Alex to be late.

I check the clock on my phone for like the hundredth time since school finished, which, according to the three white digits on the screen, was exactly 21 minutes ago.

On the days when Alex has to pick us up because Ben has meetings or other teacher-y stuff that keeps him from going straight home, my oldest brother is always early, waiting for us in the school's parking lot when we come out of the building. He usually complains if we take too long saying goodbye to our friends, so I made sure to be extra quick today, just to please him.

Ever since the big blow-up a bit more than two weeks ago, when Alex walked out on us in anger, I have been very careful not to set him off again. Although we made up and he assured me that he would never leave us, I am still a bit worried that it might only take a small thing to push him over the edge and make him re-think his options.

Other than on the day when I was panicking about Alex having left and told Jordan about my fear, I haven't talked to anyone about this. I feel that it is kind of silly of me to fret about something that everybody, including Alex, would immediately tell me not to worry about. I don't want anyone to laugh at me for being irrational. Or to call me a baby, which is a very likely scenario.

To ease my mind a bit, I have made sure not to do anything to annoy Alex. I have been the most considerate, well-behaved and inconspicuous version of myself. It is almost as if I can read my oldest brother's mind when he just as much as looks in my direction, about to ask me to do something, and I instantly get on it. I even eat all three meals a day without complaint – okay, I may give half of my lunch to Jayden most days, but nobody needs to know about that –, and I do my homework first thing when I get home.

Jordan is the only one who has noticed that my behavior is a bit odd because he questioned me about it last week. Luckily, I managed to convince him that his mind is playing tricks on him and that I have always been just the same little angel. Still, he gives me odd looks every now and then, which I simply ignore. I have no interest in discussing this with him, or anybody else.

As long as it helps to keep Alex happy and with us, I can do this indefinitely. Or, realistically, at least until the circumstances demand that I overstep certain boundaries again, which is currently not on the horizon. Until Will has gone to the East Coast and – hopefully – returns with the desired information, I don't see any reason for me to break rules or disobey Alex. Or to generally attract any kind of unwanted attention in my family.

What is a bit disheartening though is the fact that my guardian doesn't even seem to notice that I have been on my best behavior lately. Sure, he appears relaxed enough when he is actually home and paying us kids any attention. I do believe that he does still trust me, so that's certainly a plus, too, but Alex also seems very preoccupied and distracted. A bit like that time when I caught him late at night, working on his laptop, completely oblivious to everything around him, me included.

He has once again been working nights a few times recently, which I don't like at all. Not only does it bring back unpleasant memories of the night where I thought he had left us for good, but I also worry that he is working too much. This cannot be good for him and I don't want him to jeopardize his health simply to do a good job or have a career or whatever it is that drives him.

The thought that he might be spending the night with that mystery woman that Jordan and Sam mentioned has crossed my mind, too, but I prefer not to think about that.

Also, now that Alex knows of my somewhat irrational fear about him abandoning us, he has made sure to tell me in person whenever he has to stay at the police station over night. On the two occasions last week when this happened, he called me to let me know and then he called again when it was my bedtime to say good night and to tell me that he loves me. It may sound like nothing much at all, but it sure helps me fall asleep a lot more easily.