In life, there were two things that were undeniably true.
One was that, according to all known laws of aviation, bees should not be able to fly.
The second was that (y/n) was irrevocably in love with two men, both named Phil.
It should be said that (y/n) had never met either of them, but had fallen in love with the men through the tv screen. That never mattered to them, though. What mattered to them was the strength of Phil's flex tape and Phil's take-no-shit counseling method.
(Y/n) was determined to meet these men, if it was the last thing they did.
So what did they do? (Y/n) wrote in to Dr Phil's show asking to be a guest, explaining how they had fallen in love with the Phils. He got an email barely five minutes later saying "omg viewers will eat this shit up, can you fly in tomorrow for a special episode?" Of course, (y/n) dropped everything to be there. They didn't tell anyone what they were doing, they just took the ticket they had received via email, courtesy of the Dr Phil Show, and they hightailed it to the studio.
They arrived at the studio and had a massive nosebleed looking at the billboard of Dr Phil in front of the building. Of course, when they walked in and saw the real guy waiting, their nosebleed sprayed out on the wall and they fell over in bliss.
"I can't believe I'm meeting the Dr Phil!" They cried as they writhed around in the floor in a fashion similar to that of Draco in A Very Potter Musical.
"Stop writhing about in my floor, ya lil bITch," Dr Phil said sassily, his hands on his hips.
"Mmm, as you wish papi," (y/n) replied, trying to sound sensual as they stood from the floor and wiped the blood from their nose.
"Dammit, we're gonna have to buy a whole new floor," said Dr Phil.
And that's when Phil Swift crawled out of the glove compartment of Dr Phil's car and flew into the studio's first floor window wearing Vector's flight suit.
"Now THAT'S a LOOOOT of damage!!!!" Phil said as the shards of glass fell to the ground where he'd broken through the window. Blood dropped from the many cuts on his body since, y'know, he'd just flown through a glass window.
(Y/n) had another nose bleed and resumed rolling around in the floor. "Aaah, Phil-senpai~ I'm so glad you're here!"
"Heheh, what?" Phil pulled a can of Flex Seal from his handy-dandy Belt Holding Items That Are Part Of The Flex Seal Family Of Products and sprayed the broken window, fixing it up like it was brand new! (Well, maybe not brand new, but it fixed the window.)
(Y/n) couldn't take any more sexiness from their Phils. They covered their red face with their hands and cried, "Aah! Phils! Please love me!"
"Kk," Phil Swift answered.
"Well, my wife Robin has been sleeping with Ellen Degeneres so I guess this is okay."
"Cool!"
And that's the story of how (Y/n), Phil Swift, and Dr Phil McGraw ended up getting it on in the dressing room of the Dr Phil Show. ;)
I refuse to write smut as an asexual person, but I'm almost tempted to here despite how uncomfy it'd make me feel..
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Cursed Oneshots
FanfictionI didn't want these in my other oneshot book since they're not (all) x reader Viewer discretion is advised. Rated Y for whY tf would you read this WE ARE NUMBER ONE (in the hashtag # kachow and # philswift !)
