Help! | McLennon

Hesitation

While John was out getting them something good to eat, Paul was fighting a fierce battle within himself. Was getting back to his old habit really what he needed right now? He was trying to think reasonably, pros and cons, but all he could think of was how every inch of his skin was screaming, begging for another dose. He couldn't stand feeling that way anymore. He needed it to disappear as soon as possible. Luckily, it was possible at the moment because John was out and he wasn't going to be back for at least the next 20 minutes.

Paul made his way to the bathroom, where he had hidden his stush. However, he stopped himself again. He really shouldn't do this. He had a chance to work things out with the man who he believed was the love of his life. He couldn't mess that up by constantly lying to him. He woudn't let himself do that, not again. After a long, long while he came up with the perfect solution. He would snort some now, as an ideal closure to his drug problem, then flush the rest down the toilet and never look back. It seemed reasonable. He had to put his trust in John, not drugs. It was going to be okay.

However, the plan seemed to be going perfectly only until the flushing down the toilet part. It turned out to be harder than Paul had expected, way harder. He kept telling himself that he had to do this. He had to get rid of the thing that could make his life fall apart once again. He stood over the toilet with the small, plastic bag in his hand. Deep down he knew that he wasn't strong enough to throw it out.

He needed a bigger dose this time, since his heroin tolerance had been building back up quickly. His nose hurt badly but it was starting to go away as the drug found its way to his brain slowly, but effectively. Finally, when he was under the sweet and relieving influence he shoved the bag into his suitcase. He would keep it, just in case he really needed it someday.

"Got us some fish and chips!" John annouced as he got back. Paul saw him struggling to close the door, so he helped him out by taking the bags filled with food and placing them on the floor carefully.

"Simple but delicious," Paul remarked and John nodded, a smile tugging at his lips. "Are you okay with eating on the floor? Knowing us, we'd probably spill something on the bed. Floor's the safer option."

"True," John chuckled and plumped himself down on the red velvet carpet. "How are you feeling?" his gaze darted up to Paul, who was currently chewing on his plastic fork instead of actually eating. The truth was that he was starting to feel sick-ish and was afraid that if he ate, he may feel the need to throw up. It could get John suspicious. "Better?"

"I think I do feel better." Paul took a small bite of one of his fries and chewed it up slowly, hoping the salty taste would help. "I missed this, y'know?" he pointed from himself to John, earning an honest chuckle from the lad. "I missed you."

"Missed you too, Macca." John met Paul's gaze again. They stared into eachother's eyes, genuine smiles resting across their faces. They continued eating in silence, but it was not uncomfortable at all. It was more of simply enjoying eachother's presence after such a long time of tension.

"So things are great between you two?" George eyed them suspiciously but he seemed honestly glad. Both, him and Ringo, were suprised when John and Paul walked into the studio together, looking all eager. It hadn't been like that for months.

"Yeah, things are great!" Paul replied happily. They had a nice time together the night before. After they were done eating, John offered to get them something for dessert. They ate some chocolate cake and even drank tea, which put them in a quite sleepy mood after all. John insisted on being the bigger spoon as they cuddled, since Paul was the one not feeling well and the lad didn't complain. He had missed the feeling of safety he felt whenever John's arms were wrapped around him.

"Glad to hear that!" Ringo said, a wide smile across his face. The smiles got even wider, when he noticed the way John and Paul were holding hands.

A thing that Paul didn't know was that he had had a little talk with John the previous day. Ringo reprimended him for treating Paul like that, after all they had been through together. It wasn't like John hadn't felt guilty even the slightest before, but that was when he had truly realized how awfully he had been treating his partner.

When Paul was in hospital and begged him to stay, but John had left him on his own, that was selfish. So incredibly selfish. It had been haunting John ever since, but the point was that he had done it. He was capable of doing something like that, knowing how much it hurt Paul. Hell, he had been seeing someone behind his back for the last 2 months. He had screwed so many things up that it seemed almost impossible to fix their relationship. Nevertheless, John decided to try and do his best, because he believed Paul was worth it. Their love was worth it.