Help! | McLennon

Failing

Paul's heart was beating a thousand times faster than usually as he made his way into the Lennon - McCartney room. To his suprise John wasn't on the floor anymore. He was now lying on the bed, his back facing the ceiling with his eyes closed. Despite it looking like he was asleep, Paul could easily sense that the lad was wide awake.

"John," he whispered gently and John let out a deep sigh. Before saying anything more Paul decided to sit down next to his partner. That caused John to open his eyes and slowly push himself up, his gaze avoiding Paul's. "You know... I know, that you know, that this is not the way I wanted things to be..."

John's gaze finally darted up at Paul's words. However, his face stayed rather emotionless and he didn't utter a word just yet.

"Please talk to me, I can't do this alone!" Paul cried out and cursed himself for breaking down so quickly. Tears started to roll down his cheeks, but he wiped them off. The other observed it all, still not speaking up. It hurt Paul more than it would if John started yelling like he would usually do. He studied John's face, which was slowly starting to show signs of anger, for a long moment and then asked. "Do you still love me?"

The question seemed to linger in the air. Every next second of silence was sucking more hope out of Paul, even if there hadn't been much of it to begin with. It was such a dumb thing to ask someone who was currently angry with you.

"No, Paul, I don't love you!" John growled, his gaze so full of hatred and disgust that it seemed to be burning two holes in the other's face.

At first Paul didn't hear the answer John had given him. He simply refused to hear it. Tears began filling his eyes as he understood that it was over. John didn't love him, it was all over.

"You wanted to talk, isn't that right McCartney? Then talk! Fucking say something already, let's get it over with!" John demanded. Paul tried to take a deep breath, but it was like he was underwater. When John didn't hear a reply once again, he added. "A bloody coward is what you are. Won't even say a fucking word to me!"

"Why are you like this?!" Paul questioned in between his sobs. Despite feeling terribly guilty for the whole situation, John's attitude was starting to annoy him too. "I know I screwed up and you have the right to be angry with me, but you are crossing the line!"

"Oh, am I really?"

"Yes, John! You are! I came here to apologize and maybe even beg for forgiveness!" John rolled his eyes at the statement which only made Paul boil with frustration. "Can you be serious or reasonable for at least one, bleeding second?! Wouldn't you like it more if we talked like two people who respect eachother and sorted this out by actually talking about how we feel?!"

"Is that what you want?!" John asked and earned a nod from annoyed Paul. "Here's how I feel! I trusted you and you went behind my back! And it's not even the first time! It hurts when someone you care about treats you this way!"

"You cheated on me!" Paul shouted, interrupting whatever John was about to complain about next. "John, you left me when I needed you the most! Back then at hospital and after that also!"

"You were fucking impossible to be around to! And you really wanna bring up the shit we've done to eachother?! Remember it when you kicked me in me stomach, only because you wanted your beloved heroin? I had a bruise for over two fucking weeks and that's the day I realized that you prefer drugs over me! And I was bloody right, wasn't I Paul?!"

"No, you weren't! I'm sorry for ever making you feel like that, I really am!"

"But?"

"But you don't believe me when I say I am! You are still angry with me!" Paul accused, more tears threatening to fall. John, on the other hand, didn't show any sadness, only pure fury. It terrified Paul that he always avoided confrontation so badly, but when he didn't succeed, he would usually end up acting like a total jerk, saying whatever came to his mind without caring if what he said hurt someone or not. It was just his defense mechanism, Paul knew he didn't really mean most of it, but it was hard to be so understanding.