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"you know what, i've decided."
she wasn't breathing or thinking or doing anything, the words were just falling out. her brain wouldn't cooperate with her. even her whole body was genuinely confused: her hands shaking uncontrollably and lip quivering as she spoke.
"i need to do this race, i need to get over it. i can't stay up every night thinking about people who have already gone. i need to stop mourning, i can't be sad forever."
she didn't even understand what she was trying to get at, at this point. her brain had just melted and she couldn't think straight.
"and you know what else i can't do? i can't love a dead person forever, no matter how much we said what we had would last forever. it's not going to. and now i think about it, forever doesn't have to be forever. it can be just a few seconds, but as long as it feels like forever, that's what counts, right?"
all heloise could do at this point was talk, it was all falling out. faster than she could stop it.
"and you know what feels like forever? knowing you. i feel like i've known you forever, and i can't even imagine a time where i saw you and thought of you as anything other than someone i love."
he was silent so she kept going.
"i don't think the issue was ever that i was still attached to estelle. it was just that i was trying to convince myself that there was more of a reason why i couldn't just tell you how i felt. but the only reason is that i'm a coward."
she pulled his arm to drag him into a hug - breathing gently against his collarbone. before changing her mind suddenly and pushing him away again.
"get pissed at me! shout at me for being a bitch, please! get mad at me for ignoring your confessions and you, but then coming back. tell me im a hypocrite or something."
"do you think i would do that?" she panted around the wedge of emotion stuck in her throat. until now, she still couldn't tell if she was in the midst of panic or descending into it.
"even if you won't get pissed at me, i'll be pissed at me. because i've wasted opportunities. but i can't waste this one, because last time i left it for later, later never came."
she placed her lips on his without warning at all, even shocking herself. the sensation was amazing though. she paid attention to the feeling this time - to the details of him. as though verbally illustrating her feelings would make him run away from her.
"i want to spend my life with you, i want to love you. whatever way there is to say it, i want us to share that."
"heloise, breathe please. i love you too, but you're not okay right now. you need to rest, you've been really stressed today, alright? so go sleep and let's talk about this in the morning, i don't want you to feel forced into something. you need to be happy."
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i have a test on cromwell... and even though we're doing him in history rn, DO U REALLY EXPECT ME TO BE ABLE TO REMEMBER ANYTHING?- LIKE WHAT- HOW WILL I EVER- like all ik is that he killed the king and he dissolved long parliament or smth and made the new model army and was basically a military dictator but like im not even sure about that
