Frank;
"What happened?" I ask, turning my head to look at him. I really didn't expect that, I mean they're like the perfect couple, they've never shown any signs of being upset with each other or even borderline.
"Ray... Ugh, he got mad at me and accused me of not actually loving him because I don't always want to hang out with him." The way he said that made it sound like he hates Ray, like the thought of the boy makes his blood boil.
"So, that automatically means you don't love him?" I ask, which is kind of stupid. I know Mikey loves Ray, I just want to know where Ray got that crazy assumption from. I mean, relationships aren't about always being with each other. You don't need to be attached at the hip.
"Well, I guess. I asked him what made him think that and he didn't answer, he just, I don't know, stopped talking to me. I'm starting to get really pissed because, fuck, what did I do? I'm sorry not every waking moment of every day is not spent with him."
"That's crazy... How much time did you not spend with him?" I ask, thinking that maybe Ray is actual in his right mind. I mean, if it's an occurring declination, then I can understand, but if it's only once or twice, then....
"I don't know, in the past month... Four, maybe five, times. Is that bad?"
"I don't think so," I say honestly.
"I don't either, I don't know. I just wish he would explain to me why he feels like I don't love him. It can't just be because I don't always ho over to his house or let him come over.. I'm so confused," he says, reaching his hands up and grabbing his hair.
"I can talk to him, maybe?"
"Do you think he'd tell you?" Mikey asks, sounding a little desperate. Hell, I would be too. If Gerard was accusing me of that, I'd most definitely ask Mikey to see what's up because I'm positive Gerard would tell him.
"Maybe," I reply quietly. I'm thinking he would, I mean, wouldn't he want to get it out to someone? Maybe ask for their opinion on the matter? "Why have you been not hanging out with him?"
"Do you ever just want to be alone sometimes?" He asks, kicking a rock along the sidewalk.
"Yeah."
"I've just been wanting to spend time by myself lately. I haven't been in the exact mood to be with someone who, yknow, wants to cuddle or hug me a lot or something. Don't get me wrong, nine times out of ten, I love when he wants to hug me or kiss me, but sometimes I'm just content with sitting there, no physical contact."
"Yeah, I understand. Did you try to explain that?"
"Yes, many times during the argument." Did Ray just flat out not believe him? I watch as Mikey continues to kick the rock further down the pavement as we approach the school. This will be an interesting day. Music and lunch especially.
We fall into a silence, neither of us wanting to bring the conversation further. I think he's talked out the entire thing, and, although he looks pretty peeved, he looks relaxed, like he's just been holding the whole thing in and waiting for the moment to let it all out.
The second I take my first step past the threshold into my own personal hell, the fear sets in. My whole body gets put on high alert, every hair on my body standing up. It only worsens when Mikey veers off to go to his locker.
I sigh miserably and walk on, my head down. I can't take this stress, it's just a nonstop cycle here. All I do when I'm at school is fear for my mental and physical being. Every second spent on school property is another chunk of my sanity gone, every day spent here, something happens to injure me.
My mind races, preparing me for insults and threats that will surely come any minute. The only thing that really goes through my mind that could possibly help me against anything that could be said is that Gerard loves me.
Smiling very lightly at that endorphins producing thought, I close my locker and turn around, only to get pushed back. It wasn't necessarily a harsh or violent push, just a shove. "Don't think I forgot what happened last week." God damn.
Greyson is the king of grudges and I know Friday's little fiasco won't be forgotten easily, not until I'm laying beaten half to death in the middle of the hallway.
He didn't stick around, he didn't stay to see my reaction, he walks off. That doesn't really bother me, I'm glad he walked away because I'm terrified and I hate them seeing my fear.
*
Today has sufficiently been the worst since I got back. No Gerard, fear hanging over my head. I can't turn a corner without almost pissing myself. It's probably futile to be scared right now. He's probably planning on letting me sweat it up, letting me be scared of him for a few days, then strike. That still doesn't calm me down.
And I have every right to be frightened because right when I walk past the bathroom, I'm pulled in. It catches me off guard, so I loose my footing and end up being dragged in. My first instinct is go scream, but it won't come out, it feels like my throat has clenched up and dried out, leaving without the ability to speak or even breathe.
As soon as I'm in, I'm left sitting in the floor, my lungs refusing to let me take in oxygen. "No boyfriend here to protect you..." Greyson's deep voice growls, a teasing tone.
"No," I weaze out pathetically.
Greyson along with two other people, whose names escape me, come into my line of vision. They stand in front of me, arms crossed. "So, I could do whatever I want and Gerard... Gerard won't be able to save the day."
"No.." I whisper, almost unable to hear myself. My skin has grown goosebumps, I can feel the blood leaving my face, I'm sure I'm going to pass out from fear.
"No. That's right." Honestly, him holding this entire thing out is making the entire experience that much worse for me. I don't know what to prepare myself for: punches or kicks. I don't know if this is where I'm going to die. Hell, I don't even know if he's going to touch me.
All I'm really sure of is that after this is done, I'm going to be craving the kiss of my blade and I'm going to have to try to resist the urge.
The final bell rings, signalling that all four of us are late for fourth hour. Only seconds later, a sharp pain is delivered to my right side. Instinctively, my hands shoot over to hold onto the burning area while I fall onto my side and groan in pain.
"That's just a preview of what lies ahead of you," one of the mystery guys says. I don't know what exactly I might've done to make him hate me, but then again, just about anyone in this God forsaken place will do what Gresyon says.
This whole school is bullshit. One leader and hundreds upon hundreds of followers, one by one doing everything the leader wants. And me? I'm just the target. The one thing on the leader's list. I hate my life, yet I love it all the same because if all this shit wouldn't have happened I wouldn't have met Gerard, Mikey, or Ray.
I sigh and get up after they walk out. My side is on fire, throbbing in pain. I wasn't wrong when I said I'd crave my blade. I want nothing more than to rip my arms up, but I want to get clean, I want to get over my naaty habit, and the way to do it isn't to relapse.
I can't relapse, I can't cut again. Gerard will be disappointed and it'll be more scars to litter my already ruined skin. I can just go over to Gerard's, I can just tell him. I don't want to, but it's better than him finding out on his own. I'll just go get the urge off my chest by crying about it to Gerard after school.
That's a way to solve it, right?
*~*~*~*
Okay, well, hey!
Q: Who's your favorite actor?
A: Anthony Hopkins tbh because of how perfectly he plays Hannibal Lector
I love you guys!
xoCrashFire
