Not My Lyra

Chapter 10

Lyra's back story

I don't remember much of my childhood, but what I do remember I hold close to my heart. When I was three or four my "uncle" would come and visit me when I was at Jordan college. I remember we would run around and play games on the big field, but one day I said the word daddy and then it all stopped, the games the constant visits STOPPED.

I would constantly ask the Master when my father was coming back as I missed him, he would always say "he'll come back when he's ready" I eventually stopped asking and got on with my life at Jordan. I made friends with a boy named Roger, he worked in the kitchens and we did lots of things together, we'd run on the roofs of the college, run around the halls and he would sneak me food whenever I got hungry. We were good friends till he died, he was doing something in the kitchen and there was an explosion, the head chef wasn't quick enough to save him. We had a little tiff before it happened and now that haunts me, I never got to say goodbye to my best friend.

Deep down I longed for parents to come and rescue me from Jordan, I didn't care if they were rich or poor, I just wanted to belong to someone. Who I thought was my father returned And he said he was my uncle Asriel and then went on to tell me my parents died in a airship accident. I died on the inside that day, my dreams off my parents coming to get me are now long gone.

My uncle reminded me so much of my father, I so badly wanted to get close to him, but every time I got close he'd go back north and not see him for another year or two. I felt so alone, no family and no Roger, just a bunch of old men who don't try hard enough to teach me. I started to rebel and not attend my classes and hide from Mrs Lonsdale who wasn't gentle or kind to me when it came to getting me ready for meals or just in general.

I tried running away and go live with the Gyptians, their lives looked so much more exciting than my boring old life. Every time I tried to climb the gate, the watchman would catch me and march me to the Master. After about the tenth time I gave up.

One day I was being taught something boring from the librarian and Pan saw my uncle and Stelmaria walking through the halls off Jordan. I make an excuse to leave the room so I could catch up to Asriel. Each and every time my excuses worked. When I eventually found Asriel's quarters, I'd ask him about his trip and all he'd do is give me something he got from his expedition like a walrus tusk or an animal tooth and tell me to go to bed or go off and do something else as he was a busy man. They may have been short but I cherished them. 

I'd get the odd postcard from Asriel and I'd add them to my wall with everything else he'd sent or given me. I've asked him to take me north on his next expedition and he'd always says he doesn't have time for me. Now I know why he never took me north as it wasn't safe for children, I just wish I knew that back then.

My life changed the night I met my mother. When the female scholars came I knew what the outcome would be, I'd leave the home I knew my whole life and start a new one at Saint Sophia's college to continue my schooling there. That wasn't the case with Mrs. Coulter, she offered me a job to be her assistant, I was overjoyed with that news as she mentioned she was a explorer like my uncle and goes to the north. I didn't think the Master would let me go to be in the care of Mrs. Coulter but he did.

The day came when I would move my life from Jordan college to London. Mrs. Coulter was my friend, teacher and guardian, but I looked at her as a mother figure. I remember all I ever wanted to say to her was I wish you were my mum. That feeling didn't last long, one day I disobeyed Mrs. Coulter and her golden monkey attacked Pan, I never looked at her the same way after that. I became distant and a little disobedient and she didn't like that. She tried to mould me to be like her and at first I was happy and went along with it, when I saw what she really was I needed to escape. During the cocktail party I saw my opportunity after my fears were confirmed from that reporter lady that Mrs. Coulter was part of the Oblation board.

I was halfway down a flight of stairs when I heard a monkey screech and my name being screamed out. I knew who it was and I wasn't going back now. I ran as fast as I could as I didn't want Mrs. Coulter to find me. I found a safe spot for me and Pan for the night, my plan was to go back to Jordan and expose Mrs. Coulter and the Magisterium for what they are doing with children. Something caught Pan's attention and he wondered off and then I blacked out and found myself in a van, I knew what I had gotten myself into and I was hoping Mrs. Coulter would find me....... and she did.

We returned back to the flat and I tried so hard to escape again, then she told me she was my mother and that whatever happened she didn't mean. That was a major shock to me, like I knew and wished Mrs. Coulter was my mother but finding out she actually is I truly take it back. We slowly start to get along till I'm kidnapped my the Magisterium and taken to Bolvanger.

Bolvanger is the most saddest place a child could be, every time doctor Cooper walked through the doors you were on edge not knowing if your name was going to be called. My third day being there my name was called and I was put into that dreaded machine. If it wasn't for my mother I probably wouldn't be here and not have Pan right now. That's now twice she has saved me now.

Ever since that night at Bolvanger when the machine was slowly cutting Pan away from me, it was the weirdest feeling. It felt like someone was pulling string through my body. I don't know how Pan is still with me, but there are some days where I wish he was gone as this feeling I constantly have is awful. It feels like I'm missing someone or something and you just can't put your finger on it.

I know trauma takes time to heal and I'm willing to take my time with it, but is my mother ready to deal with such a big responsibility with taking care of me and help me pass my living nightmares.