Soudam Oneshots!

Are you alright?

Tw : Crying, Internalized Homophobia

A/N : Kai back at it again with the angst during pride month </3

Kazuichi sat on his bed, music blasting through his headphones, his head leaned against the bedframe. He felt like an absolute moron, he was figuratively trapped in a hole he dug for himself just because he didn't want to admit his feelings. Admit that he was in fact gay, he did like guys, he had been in love with one for the past year.

Everytime part of him wanted to just admit it, his brain would beat himself up for it, it wasn't right, he just wanted to be able to live as himself. He already felt less well..masculine for being sensitive and all this made him feel worse. Which was why hs pushed it all down, repressing all his genuine love.

All Souda ever wanted was a partner, for the longest time he would think he wanted a partner. A perfect life for him would be with a partner that wouldn't make his dad upset, and hey at least he would have love thats whats important! He thought that would mean having to get a girlfriend, even when he started to get feelings for guys he knew he should try to get a girlfriend instead because of his home life. That getting a girlfriend plan never really worked though, so he got more desperate. Yeah..that really didn't work, and the more and more years of pushing down his romantic feelings towards boys just made them all appear at once when he thought about it.

There was no denying it, he wasn't straight. Maybe bisexual, maybe a gay man, maybe omni, but no matter what..he would like a boyfriend. And when there's this guy who he had chemistry with, even if they would clash that somehow made him like him even more, he was..all Kazuichi needed to accept himself.

But it wasn't that easy for him when that boy, he was best friends with this perfect girl, who would be the perfect girlfriend that would make his dad proud of him. He adored the idea of Sonia, but he never, for once in his life actually loved her. The only reason je considered pretending to be in love with Sonia was all Gundham, it was all because of him. The person he was actually in love with, he had been the whole time. Even when being Gundham's 'romance rival' they still had chemistry even when insulting each other, and they would still hang out a lot because constantly it would be the three of them.

He loved Gundham, he always had, as long as he could remember, it was him, it was always him it had never not been for one moment.

But Kazuichi was trapped, there was no way he could get out of this hole he dug for himself, now literally everyone knew his 'crush' on Sonia Nevermind, heck he couldn't even tell Fuyuhiko and Hajime, his best friends, the truth.

Kazuichi gripped his hoodie an pulled it over his face with frustration, forcing the cold tears to stay in his eyes. He didn't want to cry, he had already cried about Gundham way too many times. "Ah! Ack! Fucking idiot!-" He mumbled to himself pulling om his beanie tighter. "Why the hell did i even start this?!" He sniffled. He really wanted to try to tell Sonia and Gundham the truth, maybe it wss possible he could try to fix it all, possibly...

Come out?

Love was truly a complicated thing, it was 'fuckin cliche as hell' in Kazuichi's own words but it was true. And he couldn't really call something cliche when he himself was literally trying to find love his whole life. He sighed to himself, he could try to tell Gundham, maybe confess that he loves him. If Tanaka actually decided to listen he could explain it all.

Part of him didn't want to entirely lose the rivalry with him though, it was a more playfulll rivalry which was fun, it somehoe backfired against the whole fake fighting for Sonia's love thing bc it made him fall even more for the animal breeder.