Fading

Chapter Six

By the time the bell rings at the end of the day Louis is almost a little scared to drive home. He knows that Liam had last period free so he’s been home cooking. Louis knows he is going to be walking in the door to a huge meal and he’s got no way out of it. He’s had nothing but water and milk free tea all day, and now he’s feeling it. His head throbs and if he stands up too quickly lights pop behind his eyes. He’s mostly used to the perpetual dizziness but its a little scary to drive when he’s feeling so light headed.

Louis can stand the hunger pains, he actually kind of likes the way his stomach aches, but he hates the heart palpitations. He can’t handle the way sometimes he’ll be sitting still and it will just kind of hit him that he can feel his heart racing in his chest. It’s strange because he feels like his heart beats so fast but it’s not a pounding or a thumping, it feels more like it’s fluttering in his chest. Sometimes he lays awake at night wondering why his heart is rabbiting when he’s been laying still for hours then he begins to wonder if maybe its just going to stop. He doesn’t necessarily think that would be a bad thing.

It isn’t that he doesn’t like his life, he knows how lucky he is to be in school for something he loves, to have a nice flat and enough money to get by, to have to friends who care about him so much and treat him so well. Louis likes his life. He just doesn’t like himself. Sometimes he just hates himself so much that he doesn’t think he deserves any of the things he has, sometimes he just hates himself so much that closing his eyes and thinking about his heart stuttering to a stop is oddly relaxing.

He makes it home even with the dizziness but he has to sit on the stairs because he feels like he’s going to pass out and he knows he has to gather his energy for the lads. He walks through the door to the flat with a huge grin on his face and calls out a bright sounding hello. He finds Liam in the kitchen, turning chicken in a pan, and the smell hits Louis like a brick wall. He’s so thankful that Liam is the one cooking because he’s always liked being healthy, if it were Zayn they’d be eating something battered and greasy.

It smells so good but even though his stomach cries for it his throat is already itching, dreading the food. He’s not sure when it happened but it doesn’t take will power not to eat anymore, it takes will power to force food down his throat. His body has learned that it is just going to come back up later and his mind has learned to feel like shit about the calories and he literally just dreads it. He slides up behind Liam and rests his chin on the taller boys shoulder. Liam hums a bit and rubs his cheek against Louis’, stirring some sort of sauce.

“Smells delicious, what are you making,” Louis says.

“Curry chicken and veggies,” Liam replies.

Louis silently thanks the stars there are no carbs, “great,” he says, “what time is Zaynie home?”

“Should be in a few, he just wanted to stop by the skate shop on his way home or something,” Liam replies, “how did your fitting go?”

Louis isn’t sure why he blushes when his mind flashes to Harry but thankfully Liam is preoccupied with dinner, “it went really well. He looks great in everything. I don’t have too many alterations,” Louis says, folding himself up on one of the chairs at the table.

“And what is the guy like, what did you say his name was again?” Liam asks.

“Harry,” Louis says, and he really hopes Liam doesn’t notice the way his voice is a bit softer around the name, he clears his throat, “he’s nice.”

Liam turns to face Louis and leans back against the counter, “like nice, nice or I’ll force myself to put up with him until the fashion show is over, nice?” he enquires.