Fading

Chapter Twenty-Eight

"Alright, Louis, we've only got about twenty minutes left for today. I think today went well, what do you think?" Dr. Chen says, in his smooth warm voice.

Louis swallows a little thickly and nods, "okay, yeah. I think it went okay," he says.

"I'm going to ask you another question, and just answer with the first thing that comes to mind, okay?"

Louis nods, "alright," he says, fidgeting with the hem of his shirt.

"If you could go back to before you came out, and be straight, would you?" Dr. Chen asks slowly.

"Yes," Louis answers immediately, without hesitation, yes he would.

Dr. Chen nods, and marks something down in his notebook, "even though it would change the way things are now?"

Louis meets Dr. Chen's eyes, and nods again, "Especially because it would change things. I'd have my mum and my sisters," he says quietly.

"Even though it would mean you wouldn't be with Harry?"

For the first time Louis hesitates. He feels a twisting in his stomach when he thinks of those big green eyes, those soft lips on his, the way he makes Louis feel. Louis wants to change his answer, he wants to say Harry is worth it, that Harry is enough. He can't though. He knows deep down inside that even if it meant giving up Harry, he would do it to have the love of his family again.

"He and I could be friends, and he'd find someone better for him than me. He'd finally be with someone who deserves him, who is good enough for him," Louis replies, "I'd choose to be straight."

Dr. Chen hums, "why do you say that he'd find someone better? You're not good enough for him, you don't deserve him?"

"You're- you're not going to tell him any of this are you?" Louis frowns.

"Louis when you signed Harry onto your file it just meant that I will keep him updated on how you're progressing, and give him advice on how to help you keep recovering between appointments," he explains, "I'll never discuss specific details of what we talk about."

"Oh," Louis says, "okay."

"So why do you say that?"

"Because I'm not- he deserves so much better than me," Louis frowns.

It's felt fairly easy to talk to Dr. Chen so far. The last session they discussed the things that Louis wanted to work on. Number one had been being able to love Harry. Number two had been being a better friend to Liam and Zayn. Number three was being less of a burden, getting his shit together so he wasn't such a mess.

Dr. Chen had asked him to keep it down to four things, so number four had been learning how to not hate himself so much anymore. Dr. Chen had written them all down, but the very first thing he said was that they were going to focus on number four first. He said if they did that, all the other things would be easier to work out. So Louis has been trying his best to be open about everything, even if it hurts to say the words out loud. He's hoping the more open he is, the sooner the doctor can fix him, and send him on his way. Things like this are still hard to open up about though.

"What exactly about you isn't good enough for him? Because it seems to me he is more than happy to be with you?" Dr. Chen asks gently.

Louis sighs, "he doesn't- doesn't agree with the fact that he deserves better than me," he says slowly, "but theres like- inside I'm not- I don't feel....I don't feel whole, or like....right?" Louis mumbles it like a question, "and he doesn't deserve someone who is- erm- who's messed up like me."

Dr. Chen looks across at Louis for a long time, and Louis avoids his gaze, "from what we've talked about before it's become clear to me that the part of you that you think is broken, the thing inside you that you think is wrong, is the fact that you're gay," he says, using that calm tone that always manages to keep Louis breathing steady when he should be uncomfortable, "is that correct?"