Fading

Chapter Twenty-Nine

"So do you think that the little old lady you see sitting on a park bench with her husband of fifty years looks at her husband and thinks 'yeah, I know exactly why he's loved me this long, because I am flawless, and he had better know how lucky he is to have me,' then?" Dr. Chen asks, and Louis can tell he's about to make a point, even without being able to see him.

Louis frowns up at the ceiling, "well no," he says.

"Do you think maybe there is a chance that she looks at her husband and wonders how on earth she got so lucky, and maybe sometimes she wonders why he's put up with her for so long?"

Louis sighs, "yeah, I guess so."

"And do you think maybe sometimes the husband looks at the wife, and wonders the exact same thing?" says Dr. Chen, and Louis can practically picture him pressing his fingertips together.

"Probably," Louis says, "I'd imagine so."

"So then if you could imagine so, for a couple who's been together fifty years, is it not plausible to think that, even if you don't understand why Harry loves you, maybe he does? Maybe he's looking at you and wondering how he got so lucky too?" Dr. Chen asks, "It would certainly make sense, considering even a couple who has been together fifty years could occasionally wonder that about each other."

Louis rubs his eyes, chewing absentmindedly on the corner of his lip, "It's not really- that's not the same thing," he protests.

"Louis, I know you say you don't believe in love, and that Harry can't love you, but I think you know just as well as I do that you do believe in love, but that maybe you're just scared because you don't think you deserve Harry's," Dr. Chen says gently, "or anyone's for that matter."

Louis swallows thickly, and he's glad Dr. Chen can't see him, "I know everything you've said about my mum, and I'm trying to- to consider that maybe that wasn't- that it wasn't my fault. But like-" he huffs out a sigh, because a lump of emotion has worked it's way into his throat.

"But how could Harry possibly love you, if your own mother couldn't," Dr. Chen supplies, hitting the nail right on the head as usual.

"Yeah," Louis squeaks, turning on his side and positioning the phone between his ear and the pillow.

He thinks maybe he can hear the faint scratching of the pen across Dr. Chen's paper, "Louis we've got about five minutes left, but I want to give you something to consider until we talk next week, okay?"

"Okay," he replies.

"Your mother not loving you the way you deserved had absolutely nothing to do with you as a person. You do deserve to be loved, and you do deserve to be cared for; even if she couldn't do that for you because of her own flaws," he repeats the phrase like a mantra, like he has done for Louis a thousand times before, "That being said, Harry has seen you at your absolute lowest point, and he is still in your life, by his own choice. You've said before that he makes you feel more cared for than anyone in your life has before. Louis, Harry doesn't need your permission to love you; he doesn't need your opinion on whether it makes sense for him to, or not. Whether you believe it or not, if he loves you, he does. The laws of the universe don't prevent it from happening, because you, like every person on this planet, deserve to be loved. It's just a matter of accepting that now."

"Aren't psych doctors usually telling patients to stay out of relationships until they're more comfortable with themselves or something," Louis squeaks, because he doesn't know how to respond correctly.

"Now why on earth would I tell you that, when the thing your struggling with most is feeling unworthy of love, and you already have someone who loves you so unconditionally? It's a lot easier to help you believe something when there is proof right in front of you" Dr. Chen replies simply, but it makes Louis' breath catch in his throat, "that's all for tonight, Louis. Think on those things we talked about, and work on that habit with your eating, alright?"