Fading

Chapter Twenty-Six

"How was your exam, love?" Harry asks softly, nuzzling against Louis' hair.

"Alright, it was the easy one," Louis replies, breathing in Harry's smell.

"And how are you feeling?"

Louis opens his mouth, and he's point five of a second away from telling Harry he's fine, but Harry pulls back and looks him in the eyes. It only takes one look and Louis is brought straight back to that night, two weeks ago, when Harry saw the self inflicted scratches and bruises, marring his stomach and his hips. The memory is still painfully fresh in Louis' mind, he can still feel the knot he got in his chest when Harry crumpled in front of him.

~

"It's just a bad habit, Harry," Louis had whimpered, "I really was fine, it's just a bad habit."

Harry had shaken his head and backed away, dropping down onto the closed toilet lid like a sack of bricks, "I'm such a fucking idiot," he had groaned, "I'm so fucking stupid!"

"You're not, Harry! Don't say that," Louis protested.

"I look in your eyes, and every single day you look like you're fucking drowning! And I keep thinking I'm getting you into the lifeboat, I keep thinking I can bring you to shore; but you're in the middle of the fucking ocean, and I can't even fucking get close to you!"

"Harry-"

"Don't Louis! Stop lying to me! Please, I am literally begging you," Louis' breath had hitched in his throat when Harry sank off the toilet, and down to his knees in front of him, "Please stop lying to me! I can't fucking do this if you're going to act fine, when you're clearly not!"

Louis had forced himself not to flinch away from Harry's hands holding onto his hips, "if I- if I tell you what I'm really feeling you'll- you're going to leave either way!"

Harry's eyes were pleading when he looked up at Louis, "I've told you a million times, I'm not going anywhere! But I can't- I can't keep doing this if you're going to lie to me, and hide things from me! I can handle it if you feel like shit, I can handle it if you're pissed off. You don't have to act okay for me! But I can't handle you lying to me! This is never going to work if you keep shutting me out!"

The hairs on the back of Louis' neck had bristled, and his instant reflex was to throw Harry's hands off of him. To scream in Harry's face that he should just go then, because they were never meant to work out anyway. Except he didn't. He didn't push Harry away, and he didn't raise his voice. Harry had looked up at him, from his knees on the floor, his eyes searching Louis' face.

"Okay," Louis sighed.

Harry had groaned, low and guttural, "see! You don't even give a shit! You don't care if I'm telling you that we won't work out if you lie, because you don't care if we work out!"

"No," Louis said quietly, "I'm saying okay to- to the things you said before."

Harry's face had twisted in confusion, "what things?"

"I'm saying okay, I'll stop lying, I'll stop hiding. I'll tell you when I feel like shit, and I'll tell you when I'm dying to tear the fat off my bones," Louis had mumbled, ignoring Harry's flinch at his choice of words, "okay, I'll stop shutting you out."

Harry had fish mouthed for a minute, looking for the words, before disbelief had clouded his features, "yeah, you say that now, but you'll just find other ways to hide things from me."

Louis had sighed, and scrubbed his hand across the back of his neck. He knew it was his fault Harry didn't trust him. He'd meant it though. He had known that Harry is going to leave him either way; he didn't want Harry to leave because he wasn't trying hard enough. He had known that Harry is going to get overwhelmed and leave, when he opens up and shows how fucked up he is, but he'd rather that, than to always wonder what would have happened, if he'd just given Harry a chance.