Straight Best Friends (Gay Love Story -- In Progress)

04: The Right Word

For weeks, I remained sick. Doctors kept passing me on to other doctors. It was driving crazy. My condition wasn't getting worse, which I am thankful for. It was bothering me how chronic this was becoming. Was I to suffer through this for the rest of my life? This pain in my stomach and vomiting? 

One thing kept me steady though: Matt. He has been here nonstop. It has been almost three months since the first night I got so sick and he has not budged in his quest to stand by me during my illness. He has continues to cancel plans on days that I am sick, he still cooks me dinner, he still picks up medicine. He even went to my professor a week ago and asked that someone come to our apartment and proctor an exam because the idea of even walking to the building to take the exam would be impossible for me in the amound of pain I am in. He even still rubs my back when I am getting sick and he gives me massages to help me get rid of stress. He has asked people a  lot of questions on how to help someone overcome a chronic disorder caused by stress and he does the things people suggest. For the most part, the tips have been working. Matt has been here and he is the reason I am hopeful this will go away.

Of all the things that haven't changed about Matt, there are some things that have changed about me. Lately, I find myself missing him when he leaves. When he comes home, I get overjoyed. When he is gone I think about conversations we have and things we do together. I think about how loyal he is and nurturing. When he smiles I feel like my mission is accomplished for the day. And when I am near him I can't stop smiling. I don't know what my feeling is, but it feels funny. I don't know if I am just becoming so dependent on him for survival at this point, or if it is more. 

"Hey Jack do you want to go home this weekend?" He asked me on a Friday afternoon. I haven't been home in almost 3 months -- the weekend I got so sick. "I know your mom is worried sick about you and maybe seeing all of them would help you out?"

I agreed to go home. Matt packed my bags and helped me get to the car. It is humiliating almost to have to need help from your friend to walk you to your car for three straight months.

"This will do you so much help Jack I can feel it, " Matt said as he got in the car and looked over at me with a smile. "You're going to get through this okay?" He put his right arm on my left shoulder and looked very seriously at me. "I wish I could take the pain away. I wish I could do something other than just be here for emotional support." 

I almost laughed when he said that. "Matt do you realize how incredible of a friend you are? I am naming my first son after you no doubt about it. You've done more for me than I could ever ask." 

He smiled at me and we pulled out of the parking lot of our apartment complex. I immediately dozed off. 

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I woke up about 30 minutes later during the drive. Matt didn't notice me wake up. The radio was playing a song. I layed there with my eyes closed and listen to the lyrics: 

They don't know how long it takes
Waiting for a love like this
Every time we say goodbye
I wish we had one more kiss
I'll wait for you, I promise you, I will

Lucky I'm in love with my best friend
Lucky to have been where I have been
Lucky to be coming home again
Lucky we're in love in every way
Lucky to have stayed where we have stayed
Lucky to be coming home someday

I smiled. The song reminded me of Matt. 

Wait, what? What did I just say? 

I laid in the passenger seat with my eyes still closed so Matt thought I was still taking a nap. I was in a fury of emotions and thoughts. I had never seen Matt as anything other than a friend. I had never even thought of another man as anything other than a friend. I have always been attracted to women. Why am I thinking this way? Why did this cheesy romantic song just make me think of Matt and smile?