Straight Best Friends (Gay Love Story -- In Progress)

08: To Be or Not To Be

"So how does a gay relationship work?" Matt looked over and asked me. We were in the car on our way back to school. "I know we aren't there and we haven't even gone on a single date yet, but I am struggling to wrap my head around how this works. Heck, I have never had a straight relationship. You're the CEO of that business"

"I don't know, Matt," I started out laughing because of his CEO comment, but then got serious, "Whatever does happen for us though, I want us to always feel like we can go back to just being friends and not have hard feelings. I don't ever want to lose what we have right now. I have no clue whatsoever of what is happening with all this, but I do know that the friendship we have is not something I ever want to lose."

"Couldn't have said it better myself, Jack, " Matt looked over at me and smiled. He was really cute in his flannel shirt today.

I pulled out my phone. "Here, let me look up what a healthy relationship looks like. I don't know what I am doing or what we are doing, but you're my best friend, the guy I care most about relationship or just friendship, and I want to make sure we have the right goals in mind."

He kept his eyes on the road but smiled really big. "Hit me. What does a healthy relationship look like?"

I clicked on the first page that came up on Google. "Okay here is what it says. We would have to be honest and accountable to each other, be dependable, and believe each other."

"Check" Matt said.

"Use respectful language even if we fight, and be supportive and open-minded about our different opinions."

"Check, except we are pretty identical."

I laughed, "Share thoughts and listen."

"We bounce everything off each other so check," Matt said.

"We have to be emotionally supportive and encouraging and we should both feel like we can end the relationship freely."

We both paused.

Matt broke the brief silence, "How would you feel if we started dating and ended up breaking up? Not trying to be a pessimist, but just thinking realistically. We never know what could go wrong if we were more than friends, and I would never, ever, want to lose you as a friend."

"Do you think we should wait for a while before deciding for sure whether we go for this? Realistically, I feel like it would be awkward for us if we broke up."

"I don't know," Matt said and put his hand on my leg, "I really like you Jack. It feels weird and wrong and dumb and amazing and warm and reckless and right and emotional and something that could last forever all at the same time. I see the logical part working for us and against us. We know everything about each other and accept all that, but we have also been friends forever so there is risk. But when I think about what could happen if we don't end up breaking up, that just makes me excited and happy. It's confusing I know."

We sat in silence for a little while.

"Here, " I said, "Let's read the rest of it. What a healthy relationship looks like. The rest says that we would need to have equal decision-making power and that we give and take in the relationship, and that we make sure we engage in other activities and hang out with other people and aren't solely identified by our relationship."

"No problem with those, except that everyone looks at us as the dynamic duo already, " Matt chucked. His hand was still on my leg. I turned off my phone and put my hand on his.

"How about we take it slow, one day at a time. There is no rush in this. We just told each other about our feelings this weekend, so we need to calm down and be logical about all this."

Matt agreed, but we kept holding hands. My heart was saying to go for this 100%, but my brain was saying losing Matt as a friend wouldn't be worth whatever joy we experience as boyfriends if we end up breaking up. His hand was warm though, comforting.

Although I am slowly recovering, he still is my protector. He always checks up on me and wants me to be happy. I can't imagine a healthier relationship.

Matt knew I was deep in thought, as was he, so we didn't talk for the rest of the drive back. Our hands remained together, and we respected each other's space and didn't push toward one way or the other. No matter what happens, Matt is the most important guy to me, and I plan to do what it takes to make him feel that way, whether I get to be his friend or more.