"Jack?" Matt asked, waiting for me to say something.
I just looked at him, with pain all over my face I am sure.
"I don't know if I want to talk about this," I said quietly.
"Well, just talk to me about it. Whatever it is, I will listen. Are you wanting advice on something or do you just need someone to listen?" Matt asked me.
"Someone to listen," I said, miserably.
"Okay, I am listening. Word vomit. I am here."
I looked at his eyes, the lowering sun was shining to where his eyes were almost see-through. I looked at the view. I leaned my back against the tree and started to tear up. I couldn't handle this situation. I don't want to lose how tight we are right now, how close we are. If I tell him, that tight bond could get weakened.
But I had to tell him.
"Matt... I... I have been experiencing some weird thoughts lately." I said.
"Okay, thoughts about what? Being sick? What might be wrong?"
"No, " I shook my head, "Feelings, more like feelings. Thoughts and feelings. More feelings. But the feelings have caused the thoughts. A lot of thoughts about the feelings. Does that make sense?"
"Mhm, " Matt said, "Kind of, just tell me what it is. I am not going to judge you. Remember all the embarassing stuff I have told you about? You didn't judge me, so I am not going to judge you."
"I love you," I said. Then I looked down and cried.
"Hey I love you too, man. Is that it? You know I love you. We do everything together." Matt replied.
"Matt, " I looked very deeply into his eyes, "I am trying to say I am in love with you. I have loved you since we were kids but right now I am saying I am in love with you and this feeling hurts because I love our friendship. I don't know what's going with me right now but all I know is I miss you when you're gone and I get excited when you come back home. You care about me and I care about you. I think you're handsome but more than that, I think you're the nicest, sweetest man I have ever met. I don't know why this is happening, Matt. I have always liked women and for some reason I am sitting here telling my best friend in the whole world I --". I started crying too hard to talk at this point. I had just unleashed everything in front of him and I was losing control of my emotions because I just said a lot of things to Matt that I can never take back.
"Thank you for being honest with me Jack, " Matt said, "You don't need to cry. I appreciate you telling me all that. I know it can't be easy."
He put his hand on my shoulder and then moved it to my back. He rubbed my back waiting for me to stop crying, comforting me in a very difficult time I was having.
I eventually stopped crying, and he stopped rubbing my back. I looked at him very seriously.
"What's wrong with me, Matt? What is going on?"
He looked at me, confused. "I don't know." He said quietly. I couldn't read him. I couldn't tell if he was just thinking about this in a calm way, or he was disgusted by me and was thinking of ways to get out of this awkward situation.
"What are you wanting, exactly?" He asked me.
"Just for you to listen, I guess." I replied, on the verge of crying again.
"Will you listen to something I have to say?" Matt asked me, he looked like he might cry too. I nodded my head and looked at him right in the eyes.
ŞİMDİ OKUDUĞUN
Straight Best Friends (Gay Love Story -- In Progress)
Romantizm"I laid in the passenger seat with my eyes still closed so Matt thought I was still taking a nap. I was in a fury of emotions and thoughts. I had never seen Matt as anything other than a friend. I had never even thought of another man as anything ot...
