What Could've Been Us l EDITING

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C H A N T E L L E

Love. What is love? Some might say, it's when you have a strong, intense feeling of deep affection for someone. In that case, love was shown differently to me. I always wondered, was I the problem? 

Was I doing something wrong, did I not love them enough?
Something probably was because each time I thought I had found my one true love, they would hurt me.

Love was truly a difficult and confusing concept. Love could be and mean anything.

You could have a love for; food objects, a hobby and people.

I don't think I've ever loved someone yet. Keyword yet. I like to believe that someday in the future I'm going to find my soulmate. Even if I'm having a hard time thinking they exist.

I wanted that connection that couples in movies had. I wanted someone to look at me how Will looked at Stella in 5 feet apart.

Best movie ever created.

It killed me that they never received their happy ending. They deserved it. Everyone deserves a happy ending.

I wanted what they had. That spark and feeling with their person. I didn't care if it was a friend or a dog.

I just wanted to feel cared for and loved for.

It isn't fair.

Life isn't fair.

I just wanted loving parents and a boyfriend. That's all.

Oh, and money.

Is that too much to ask for?

I guess so because I have shitty parents, I'm single with commitment issues, I'm currently struggling with money, and living by myself in New York.

Sometimes I go to sleep and cross my fingers I don't wake up. That's why I love sleeping. I always think there is a chance my eyes won't flutter open and be met with the rising morning sun.

A bit depressing, I know, but it was better than having to wake up every day and having nothing special happen to you.

The same thing happens to me every single fucking day. I wake up, watch Netflix, take a nap, eat, and then go back to sleep again.

It was tiring waking up every morning knowing nothing in your life was going to change. There was nothing exciting to live for.

Every day, life was becoming less and less enjoyable. I wanted to disappear. I wanted to vanish without a trace. It's not like anyone would miss me.

I guess my friends would, but we're not as close as we used to be, so I don't think that they would miss me that much.

I think I would be doing everyone a favour. They would have one less person to care about.

I could just quietly slip away and no one would notice.

• • •

I didn't know if I was blind, but I couldn't find the lettuce anywhere. I had searched the store for a good thirty minutes and the lettuce couldn't be found.