What Could've Been Us l EDITING

seventeen

TW: su¡cide

C H A N T E L L E

Flashback 7 years ago:

"Mom, where is the sugar?!" I call out looking for her.

"MOM!" I yell louder.

I look everywhere in the house, but I can't find her anywhere. I didn't hear her car pull out of the driveway, so she's still here. Somewhere.

"Dad, I can't find mom." I tell him, walking into his room.

"Weird, did you check everywhere." He looks up from his laptop with a worried look on his face.

"Yes." Now I was scared. Did she leave us?

"Check the basement, and if she's not there, come back here immediately."

I run down the stairs to the basement. I haven't stepped foot in here in a long time. It always spooked me out.

I move around trying to find the switch when I step in a cold liquid. What is that. I step away and continue walking around cautiously.

I finally find the light switch and flip it. I was not prepared to see what I saw.

Her, laying on the floor lifeless in a pool of her own blood. Her skin looked pale and scaly.

Why did she do this? Why why why.

Tears start streaming down my face as I let out a scream.

"DAD." I yell. I repeat it over and over until he comes running down the basement steps. Once he sees her, the colour in his face drains.

It's like his legs forget to function as he takes wobbly steps towards me. He starts crying as he hugs me, caressing my hair. Tears are falling down both of our faces as we stare at her in shock.

I kneel next to her and cry harder.

"Mommy, wake up. Please." I beg. I begin to shake her vigorously, but my father pulls me back.

"Chantelle she's gone. Let her go."

We knew she needed help, but instead we did nothing. I did nothing. It's my fault. It's all my fault.

(end of flashback)

I jump up, startled as tears are flowing down my face. It happened again. The nightmare. More tears are coming down my face as I struggle to breath.

My breathing steadies and I close my eyes shut.

This happened almost every night. One of the disadvantages of living alone. I had no one to help me. I took a deep breath before sitting on the kitchen floor and bursting into tears.

I hated the nightmares. They were awful. I wished every day that they would go away, but they come back and haunt me. I hated them because it reminds me of how bad my life went from there.

The support groups.

The pity from people at school.

Seeing dad in pain.

All of it. I despised all of it.

I suddenly wished Mattias was besides me. But he wasn't. I was all alone. With no one by my side.

And then a thought crossed my mind. I wanted Mattias next to me. I wanted to be in his arms.

Good, God, I was fucked.

• • •

I wake up with a big headache. My throat was dry, and I probably looked like a mess. I don't really remember how I got into bed.