antidote | h.s.

32 - halloween

tw: mentions of SA

harry styles

She can't be here.

She can't fucking be here.

I think I'm going to throw up, and the mixture of alcohol I've had tonight really isn't helping the situation.

A soft knock on my bedroom door that I slammed when I got in here sends my blood through my veins a billion times faster. I'm sweating under my costume, and I have a gut feeling that the ceiling is going to cave in on me any second now.

"Harry?"

It's Ashton. The voice I always want to hear and the voice that always makes me feel better, but when it doesn't work now, I can tell this isn't good.

I can feel the wet tears on my cheeks as I look up at her from my bed, and her face softens when she sees them.

"Baby, are you okay?" Ashton's care falls out effortlessly, and I want nothing more than for her to wrap me in her sweet words and heal all wounds, but I know it's not going to work. Not for this.

She finds my hair with her hands, crouching down to my level so she can look into my bloodshot eyes.

"I'm sorry," I croak out, and she's shaking her head immediately.

"No, I'm sorry--"

"No, no," I cut her off, "this is my fault. This is why I shouldn't drink. Only bad things happen when I drink." I can't help the cry that I let out, and she's standing up to tuck my head into her chest. My hands wrap around her legs to pull her closer.

"Nothing bad happened, Harry. Everything is okay. I'm sorry, we didn't have to talk to her. I didn't think about it, and I should have known it would upset you," Ashton says softly, and I feel my heart drop.

She thinks I'm upset about Sadie.

I shake my head and lift it to look at her, her eyes filled with affection and care.

"No," I sniffle and use my hands to wipe tears from my face, "I'm just dramatic. Let's go."

I can tell she's confused by my mood switch, but I don't have it in me to tell her the truth tonight. Not while I'm intoxicated and not while she's here.

I stand up from my spot, which makes Ashton have to take a step back. I grab her hand and pull her back out to the party, ignoring her questioning eyes when we enter the crowd again. We make it to the kitchen right away, and I'm pouring myself two shots, downing them quickly and letting the shiver roll down my body that had started to sober up the tiniest bit.

I look up, and Ashton watches in astonishment. I wish I were able to handle anything as a normal human would. I wish I were able to tell her what's bothering me. I wish I didn't feel the urge to blackout, so I don't have to feel it. I wish I could call her my fucking girlfriend without nearly passing out afterward.

She deserves someone like that, but she's chosen me. Maybe Greyson is like that, and maybe she had that, but I was selfish and kept her all to myself.

Looking at her, I can tell she's frightened.

"Do you want to go dance?" I spit out, and she hesitantly nods, letting me take her hands and lead her into the loft full of dancing, sweaty bodies.

My hands fall to her hips as she moves them carefully to the beat of the indecipherable song playing. Her fingers lace themselves into my hair, and she lifts to whisper in my ear.

"Are you okay?"

I nod slowly, placing a kiss on her shoulder over the fabric of her costume that's lifted by my face from her position. My lips trail up slowly, eventually landing in the crook of her jaw and ear and sucking gently. I slide my hands around to her ass, curving my fingers into it for everyone to see. For her to see.