Never Tell Secrets (18+)

Ch 8 - Damage

ATTENTION RADISH READERS! Please don't leave any spoilers in here or you'll be getting a spanking from Alfie. Or Elliot. Or Keira. Whoever you'd prefer. 😘

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We stewed in our silence for a moment. I found myself wishing I'd ordered dinner just so I would have something to do with my hands. I kept my expression cool and my gaze on him. Looking away felt like a sign of weakness and I couldn't afford to show any cracks in my armour. He gazed right back at me, his expression warm and tired.

"I never got the chance to tell you how happy I was that you got into college. I regret that I put you in a place where you knew you couldn't tell me." His words surprised me.

"Would you have interfered if I had?" I asked, afraid of the answer.

"Probably," he said, his tone thoughtful. "Is it everything you dreamed?"

"More." I smiled, thinking of my first day, how nervous and excited I'd been. "The Kew Gardens, Alfie, they're so beautiful I can't tell you. They—" I cut myself off. No. I couldn't do casual conversation with him. I couldn't share that with him. He gave me a small smile. He understood, and that smile cut me inside. It had me wishing he would dig my words out of me like he used to.

"Your Mum would have loved it, I'm sure. I can't imagine how proud she would have been," he said gently. I nodded, swallowing hard, and was grateful when he moved on. "I saw photos of the new Asha Kitsuki sculpture. It was exquisite."

"Thank you."

"What will you be working on next?" he asked. I thought of my project, this next phase of my career that meant so much to me, and I felt the urge to shroud it in an invisibility cloak to shield it from his gaze. Alfie gave another small smile. "It's alright, I understand why you don't want to tell me."

"Alfie, what's going on with you?" I snapped, my words suddenly bursting free no matter how hard I tried to reel them back in. "I'm sitting here trying to figure out what this is. This new you. You're Mr Amenable now? Mr Calm and Understanding?" I folded my arms and sat back in my chair, feigning a repose I didn't feel. "It's an interesting play."

"It's not a play. I'm trying to give you what you need," he answered and I snorted.

"What I need? It's about two years too late for you to give me what I need." Calm down, Lola. Don't let him rile you.

"That doesn't mean I can't try to mend some of the damage," he said gently. "Besides, I didn't just damage you, I damaged myself too. I don't sleep, Lo..." He stared at me, his gaze vacant yet still fixed on me, as if he couldn't bear to look anywhere else. "A little, here and there. I thought it might get easier but it hasn't."

"Don't guilt trip me Alfie. It won't work," I said, my tone stiff, my barrier working hard now to keep him out.

"I know. None of my tricks work on you anymore. That's a blessing and a curse. But that isn't what this is. The thought that you are out there in the world somewhere and thinking badly of me, that's what keeps me up at night."

"So, that's your motivation for seeing me again? To get a better night's sleep?" I watched as he paused, his jaw clenching and releasing as he fought so hard to stay in control.

"It's not my only motivation. I want you back, Lola. But you already knew that."

I had known that but it didn't stop my words from stalling in my throat. I had been down this rabbit hole before and it was a hell I didn't ever want to go through again. I lifted my chin, determined to keep my cool, though I knew without a doubt Alfie could see my heart thudding against my chest.