Written In This Diary Are The Feelings That I Can't Change - Larry Stylinson

Chapter 5 - Louis POV

Ok so drum roll please... because this chapter is super-duper important!

I knew Harry was upset and it hurt me so much. Now you would be thinking I'm a maniac to care for Harry more than my girlfriend Eleanor. Well, the truth is that I love Harry and Eleanor is a beard. She's the best one so far and we are good friends but nothing more. I had met her 2 weeks back like I told Harry and we chatted and became good friends. Eleanor is les bien and we began chatting on the topic of sexualities and she helped me understand that I was gay. I always knew I liked Harry much more than a friend but she helped me clear out my feelings. We became amazing friends and began hanging out. However, when we got papped together, management got a horrific idea. They made me and Eleanor fake date. Now she was my beard but this time everything was different. Management told me that I couldn't tell anyone that she was my beard, not even the boys, not even family. I am usually one to ignore managements rules and I would have told Harry the truth, irrespective of what management says. However, this time management has hit a soft spot; if I tell anyone that Eleanor is a beard, they will ruin Harry's career. I couldn't let that happen; Harry was so passionate about his career; it was his life. I loved him too much to ruin his life.

That's why I have decided to keep Eleanor as my girlfriend and listen to management. It hurts so very much when I see the tears in Harry's eyes, when I heard the bitterness in his voice earlier, the way I know he went to the bathroom to cry and Niall had to be the one to comfort him, the way his eyes glisten with tears when I speak about Eleanor. I pretend to ignore all of this but I know him so well it's impossible for me to not tell what he is thinking. I love him so much; I have observed him so much that I can find the meaning behind his every movement. I can tell he is upset that I'm dating Eleanor and that's why in the morning I avoided him, I couldn't bear to see the sorrow, disappointment and anger towards me that was there in his eyes. That's why walked ahead of him today so I didn't have to see his puffy eyes from a night of crying.

Now here I am sitting with Eleanor and the boys and I am feeling like a horrible person, I am hurting Harry so badly. I just sit here and I feel blank as the boys talk to Eleanor. She's doing the perfect act of a girlfriend, swooning over me and loving me. I don't know how long I sat there wishing Harry was here and feeling guilty. Suddenly, I felt a breath by my ear and Eleanor whispered, "Hey it isn't your fault, you're doing this for Harry." That brought a smile to my face. To the other boys it may have seemed as though she was flirting with me but she just gave me a confidence boost. This is why she is my favourite beard yet. She actually understood me and was genuinely kind. After lunch got over, the boys headed home, while I decided to hang out with Eleanor because I needed cheering up and today after so long, Harry couldn't be the shoulder I cry on. We went to a silent place where no paps would ever reach and I broke down. Eleanor tried to calm me down but it wasn't Harry. Her arms weren't strong, she couldn't sit me on her lap and rock me like Harry did. She couldn't be Harry.

That's when I decided that no matter how much it hurt me, I'd distance myself from Harry as I couldn't bear to see the pain in his eyes. Even if it meant him hating me, I'd accept it for his sake. And so, from then life changed a lot.