Sam and Deena B.S.F (Before Sarah Fier)

Sam Fraser Part 4

There's an overwhelming sense of intensity and hopefulness I've started to feel when I wake up in the mornings. I open my eyes and my first thoughts are her.

I've thought a lot about me for the past few months of knowing Deena. About how I perceive myself, and how I think others perceive me now. No one knows about Deena and I. Simon and Kate have had their fair share of suspicions with us, and I don't blame them. It's hard to keep how I feel about her a secret. I feel so many things about her, that it feels like I might explode. And I hope she feels the same way, because going through this alone, I couldn't imagine. But especially not having Deena by my side while I trek through this difficult, confusing journey about myself, I can't do. The thought of it terrifies me. She's better at this than I am. I've always felt this way though. Even being a little kid, I would look at my friends and I was so, so happy to be their friend. But getting older, with all the hormones, I've realized this wasn't a passion of my friendship with them. I wanted to be with them. And the thing is, I'm having the exact same feelings but now, with Deena.

It's Thanksgiving break, and we have a whole week until school starts up again. Deena said that we were going to spend every day together until we had to go back to school and pretend like we're just friends. I wish we could walk the halls, holding hands like we did when we had our first kiss. It felt so good doing it in the open air. Even though no one was there, the emptiness of the school was enough for it to feel like the real thing. It's funny how normal people can just make out against the lockers and people don't care. But when it's anyone else, people will go so far as to call them out on it, or even worse.

I knock on Deena's door, the trees on the front lawn a pretty orange color. The door flies open, Josh greeting me.

"Oh, hey. Deena's in her room." He says, letting room for me to squeeze pass.

"Thanks, Josh. How was your Thanksgiving?" I ask.

"OK. Deena made turkey sandwiches and instant mashed potatoes. It's not as bad as it sounds, really. We have leftovers if you want?"

"No, I'm fine for now. Thanks, though. I appreciate the offer." I say back.

"Of course. I'm-- I'm gonna go now." He says all nervous, pointing to the basement.

I knock on Deena's door three times, it's our knock.

"It's open!" Deena shouts from inside. I open the door and she looks up from her bed and her magazine, with the biggest smile on her face. She doesn't know how pretty her smile is, I wish she'd show it more.

I close the door and jump onto the bed, kissing her. She pulls off my coat and throws it somewhere, I wouldn't know, I was too busy in her face. I pull away but stay close.

"Hello." I say, all fuzzy and giddy.

"Hello." She imitates back. I kiss her again and then lay back.

"What'd you tell your mom?" She asks.

"Said I was going to your place. Studying."
"Ah. Studying. She's not gonna buy it though. She should know I never study." She says.

"Well, it's not like I wasn't gonna see you. And I'm definitely not telling her the truth either." I say.

"Right, right... So is she one of those? Small minded and shit or what?" Deena asks.

"Um... I don't know, actually. She doesn't really, talk about it? Like she's seen it before, but I don't know her opinion about it. How do you even bring that up?"

"Be like, 'Mom, thoughts on queers?'"

"I'm not saying that." I say, sitting up.

"It's short and sweet." She says.