Sam and Deena B.S.F (Before Sarah Fier)

Sam Fraser Part 9

 It's the first week of winter break and Kate called me out of nowhere. I hate to admit it but I wish it were Deena on the other line. Even though I'm still not over what happened, hearing Deena's voice on the other line would've been a surprise, delightful or not. Kate called to invite me to go shopping with her for the holidays and to tell me I got Simon for Secret Santa, which I was so relieved for. I can't imagine having to get a thoughtful gift for Deena right now. Plus, Simon's easy to please luckily. He'd be thankful if I bought him laundry detergent or a new toothbrush.

I can't count the amount of times I've played out Deena's apology to me in my head. Thinking about how she'd say she was sorry, how she'd make it up to me, if she even made the effort to make it up to me. It's been a week and I've heard nothing from her.

 In all of these scenarios, it always ends in us ending our relationship. Is this me subconsciously wanting it to be over with Deena? Is this a sign that we'd be better off separated? I can't help but compare this to my parents. I know if I were them, I'd call it quits already. But my relationship with Deena is nothing like my parents'. I actually love her, truly even still. I can't stop loving her so easily. My parents though, don't have a care in the world for each other, whereas Deena and I would do anything for the other person. But at this time, I'm not sure if that's true regardless if I love her or not.

I graciously agreed to go with Kate since my plans were suddenly wiped clean. Deena and I already had it mapped out that we were gonna spend everyday together during winter break, but that's definitely not happening anytime soon. I need time to think, I need time for myself. I think this girl-time with Kate will be good for me. I've been with Deena for so long, I forgot what it was like to be with other girls and not make-out all the time. I don't think I'm mad at her, even though I know I should be. What she said was so hurtful and devastating, thinking about it now, her words and how she said it, it's more painful than infuriating. I almost tricked myself into thinking that the whole thing didn't happen. I was so ready to call Deena the day after our fight, and ask her to come over but then I remembered, and put the phone down. Later that day, I thought my phone rang and I ran upstairs but there was no call for me. I got so excited to talk to Deena, but then I quickly remembered again. I don't know why I do this, making myself forget terrible things that have happened to me. Maybe it's my brain trying to get me to heal. I know that I can't recall any of my parents fights or what they were fighting about, I just know it happened. But with Deena, I remember what she said that hurt so much, it comes back to me so suddenly and intensely. I remember how it makes me feel, how lonely I felt. How my devotion for her was ripped out of my soul and stomped on the ground. I wish I could forget what she said and how it makes me feel but I know I can't and I have to deal with the pain she brings me, but more reckoning, the love I still have for her. I don't know if I can ever stop loving her, I've tried since our fight, but I know I am nowhere near the end of my love for Deena Johnson.

...

Kate picked me up mid-afternoon and drove us to the Shadyside Mall. The drive there was pretty quiet, I could tell Kate wanted to talk but what's there to say when your two friends are in a fight? You don't want to say the wrong thing and make the fight more intense. I felt bad because Kate were sorta dragged into this mess, when it's really just between Deena and I. I should know what it feels like to be stuck in the middle of a disagreement, and that feeling is nothing special.

...

We went to Bath & Body Works first. Kate was picking out a candle for her mom and a gift for Deena. I wanted to tell her so badly that I knew Deena wouldn't want a candle or body spray but I couldn't.

"Maybe we should go to F.Y.E. Your mom likes music right? And you could get gifts that everyone would like there too."  Kate nods subtly at what I said and then waves a Pineapple-Coconut scented candle in my face.