When Lightning Strikes Sixx: A Tommy Thayer & Nikki Sixx Story)

Chapter 13-Explaining Myself, My love (Nikki Sixx POV)

A/N: Break out those tissues this will get very emotional!!

I am a nervous wreck right now! Kiss' set is nearly over, and I have my eyes glued to Tommy and I'm just running thru all the things I want to say to him and hoping that I can indeed fix things. I must try! And it's huge that he's going to talk to me and give me a chance to explain things. I don't deserve it after the way I have treated him but I'm going to make the best of it, try NOT to fuck it up and hope somehow it will end with me being in Tommy's life and our unborn twins' lives. I know that I am overthinking on what I am going to say to Tommy, I can't help it though.

I keep running our all too brief conversation during Eric Singer's drum solo, Tommy is very wary of me to say the least but finally I had got him to see that I really do want to talk, but the moment that really stand out the most is when I'd reached out to clasp his hand in mine and he let me. When I gently squeezed his hand right before he went back on stage, I felt his breath hitch and so did mine. Why have I spent SO long denying my feelings? Touching him in anyway, it's like heaven....heaven that I want to be worthy of and too Tommy's breath hitched when I touched him, so that gives me a tiny ray of hope but still I am going to work hard to get Tommy to trust me and show him that I love him, truly deeply love him and work to fix all that I have royally fucked up.

Before I know it, Kiss' set ends and they take their final bows and FINALLY come backstage. Everyone heads to their respective boy friends and Tommy...Oh Tommy, He looks surprised to still see me here even though he said we'd talk. It feels like a punch to the gut because I know EXACTLY why he looks that way at me. It's because I'd left him the morning after our drunken night together and so it's not surprising, he thinks that I'd abandon him, but I won't...not EVER again.

"N-Nikki, your still---," I finish for him, "Here? Yes, I'm still here.... I'm serious about wanting to talk to you. I'm not leaving you EVER again."

Tommy looks like he's truly realizing just how serious I am about changing for the better and I swear I see hope in his eyes, but I still have a lot of work to do and so much that I want to say. Without any more words between us we head towards his dressing room and both of us ignore the looks we get from his bandmates, mine, and hangers on and we enter his dressing room and I gulp. God, I am so nervous!

Tommy stumbles some and I see it, he looks dizzy. I am panicking but I quickly but carefully lay him down on a couch and he groans.

"Do you need anything? Oh, do you have ginger ale? Or I could...here let me help you with everything.", I exhale nervously. Tommy doesn't protest, he doesn't say anything as I quickly figure out where some ginger ale is and I find some crackers and it seems by the time I finish doing that his spell seems to have passed, but he still looks so pale and exhausted even under his make-up.

Tommy starts to sit up, but slowly as I hand him the ginger ale and crackers and he takes it gratefully.

"Thanks, you didn't have to do that." He croaks out.

"Oh, Tommy is the least I can do, now do you need help getting your costume off and the make-up?" Tommy starts to protest but thinks better of it...

"Could you help me get these boots off?" I don't even hesitate and proceed to do just that floored that he's letting me help him at all and there's the fact we've already talked more than...well this is the most we've talked, period. After Tommy's boots are off, he goes behind a screen to take his costume off and changes into some jeans and t-shirt and proceeds to take his make-up off.

"So, you wanted to talk? And why now? Is it because of the twins? Just why?", Tommy's voice raises with every word, and I flinch.

"Tommy, Tommy I know your angry...beyond angry. I-I never should have hurt you like I have, I never—" and here I break down sobbing before somehow managing to continue, "T-this c-couldn't go on anymore. I couldn't keep lying to myself, lying to YOU. And finding out that your pregnant with my babies, twins no less.... I hate that it had to happen like it did, but it FINALLY made me see. See just how far and how much I've pushed you away, how much I have royally fucked up and fucked you over."

Tommy sighs heavily, tears streaming down his face and shakily says, "What are you trying to say Nikki?"

I gulp nervously and choke out, "I'm saying I know you may not believe me and god I don't blame you if you don't, but there are no excuses but excuses.... I've never hated you, never truly hated you. I've treated you like shit, because in my head I thought that my feelings would go away. My feelings have only gotten stronger, but I kept pushing you away because I thought you deserved better than me. And the night we---the night we were both so wasted, I-I'd left because I couldn't stand to see I'd hurt you even more. I'm saying Tommy Thayer that I love you, have always loved you and I treated you as I have because I just couldn't cope with my feelings and now, now I'm going to be a father. I want to change and be there for our children and I want to be there for YOU."

Stunned silence greets me and I feel as if I'm going to pass out at any given moment given the shear emotions going thru me, I look back up at Tommy as I'd had briefly dropped my glance at the end and what I see.... His eyes are wide and the look.... I can see more hope and I see the love there....

"I-I-I believe you. I-I can see it in your eyes, you really mean it. This is what I've hoped for, is you finally opening to me. I see it, your really serious and not playing games and I feel now I can ask questions and tell you things and you won't get pissed."

"Yes, yes I do mean it...so much! Ask me anything, there's so much more we need to talk about, and this is merely the beginning. And no matter what you ask or say, I won't get pissed. I realize now, just how very much I love you, just how much damage I've done, and I want to try & fix things." I aim at him a watery smile and he aims one back at me.

"Nikki Sixx, despite everything....my heart belongs to you, it always has. I see now, you really do want to make things better. And it's never too late, guess Mick and everyone was right after all. And I have to say that I love you too, so very much!" Tommy is once more sobbing and so am I, don't think either of us have really stopped crying to be honest. In any case, I take him in my arms for what I am hoping is the first of many times, which I feel now there will be many more times. Tommy clings to me, face buried in my chest. Nothing feels better than him finally being in my arms where he belongs.... we will have so much more to talk about, but this is a HUGE step in the right direction.

"Nikki? There's something I want to do...if that's ok?" Tommy whispers pulling away from me slightly.

"Name it, and it's more than ok...whatever it is.", I state softly. Slowly, he reaches out and strokes my face and I freeze, but quickly relax and then he seals my lips with his own and I am lost....

A/N: Oh I can't wait to hear thoughts on this!!