I have come to believe that there are infinite passageways out of the shadows, infinite vehicles to transport us into the light.
I didn't want to make this decision. I couldn't. How could she ask something like that of me? It wasn't fair. Why couldn't there be a middle ground, why couldn't we just continue both of the paths we were on? I was capable of focusing on training for an hour or two without my feelings getting in the way.
In fact it would be so much easier to focus if I knew that we both had a mutual agreement about it. I didn't even know how to focus one hundred percent on the 'romantic' side of things. I was still all very new to this. This wasn't just breaking ground for being my first relationship, it was a double whammy: first relationship and first attraction to another girl in my life.
Well, I guess Capricorn wasn't really a girl per se, she was definitely more of a woman... but that was all apples and oranges. The point was, this was scary just as much as it was exciting. I'd never had these feelings about anyone, I'd never thought constantly about someone like I had thought about her now since last night. I'd never wanted someone to be around me just simply because their presence made me feel so happy.
So no. I wouldn't make that decision.
I finally turned over on my back so I wasn't smothering myself in the bed. I then realized the part of the bed I had flung myself on was her side. How fitting! Smothering myself with her side of the bed, much like I was smothering my mind with all of this about her. Ugh.
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So much for being professional about all of this. How do years of professionalism all go down the drain in a matter of weeks? The Agency sure never taught about this stuff back in the day, probably because it should be common sense. Don't let emotions interfere with your mission. Emotions. Things like remorse, anger, and personal vendettas. That's what they meant. You know why they didn't mention love? Because that's fucking retarded, if I had asked that question I would have been dropped from the program immediately.
So instead, I swallowed all of my emotions and feelings and became the stoic warrior they wanted me to be. It had all worked out great until Grabenstein suggested we go after Weiss's daughter.
You know, I guess I'm not really being honest with myself if I don't say that I pretty much was instantly attracted to her in the physical sense from the moment we infiltrated her dad's mansion and I saw her for the first time.
Of course I had known that Weiss had a daughter when I used to work for him, but it was one of those things that was just kind of... there, you know? A fact that you recognized in your mind and didn't entertain any further.
Funny how things change. Now, I was driving nowhere, trying to stop thinking about that very same daughter. The one that I had stupidly offered to kiss last night, and confirmed my feelings that had been growing ever since the House.
Fuck, fuck, fuck. I couldn't drive forever. I didn't even plan on going to the grocery store like I said I was going to, but then again I couldn't very well tell her I just needed to get away from her. That would have hurt her feelings probably.
Which... as a killer I shouldn't really care about at all, but nonetheless here we were.
I pulled over to the side of the dirt road I was on, amidst all the trees that shrouded this area. I lowered the mirror above me and looked at myself.
You need to turn around and go back, I told myself. You can't just run from her, she has no one else but you right now.
But going back and facing her would be so much different now. I'd been able to keep up the 'tough' visage long enough to get out of the house, but now it was fully broken down. I wanted to go back, but not for the reasons I should have. I wanted to just abandon this entire Grabenstein thing. Selena and I could go somewhere else far far away from all of this. Maybe to another country, I certainly had the money for it.
