There are so few things in life that are one hundred percent beautiful, I've found. Some of these things are worth changing everything for, denouncing who you are or what you have made yourself, in order to nurture them to their full potential.
Maybe it was the whiskey, maybe it was my lack of sleep, maybe I was having an epiphany, or maybe it was all of these things combined into one, but I had just had a massive change of heart at reading Grabenstein's email.
I looked at Selena sleeping peacefully next to me -or maybe that was how I wanted to perceive her appearance to put my conscience at ease- and I knew that she was one of these things worth fighting for. I had only known her for a few days, but she had shown me with so few actual actions that she was different from anyone I had ever met.
Big words for a trained killer, huh?
I don't know what my actual feelings were about her, I just knew she was special. I knew that from the moment we had our first 'conversation'. I knew that I had wanted to protect her however I could, although in the end I had failed. But maybe there was still hope.
I watched her sleeping, and I wondered if she was dreaming. Was she having a nightmare, or a good dream? It was more likely after all the drug induced rest she'd gotten, coupled with the trauma of what had happened earlier today, that she was simply... turned off completely.
I was starting to feel drunk. I was on my fourth glass of whiskey already, I needed to slow down. I needed to think.
How was I gonna do this? How could I ensure that nothing else bad happened to her? More bad had happened to her in three days than most people endure their entire life.
And yet... she still talked as if none of it happened. I wasn't dense, I knew she would probably be in shock and denial for a while, but even still I couldn't help but think if ANYONE else had been through what she had they would be acting different than she was.
I considered my thoughts. Why did THIS contract change so much? I'd been through this before: feeling sympathy for someone during a job. But it was never quite like this.
I tried to think of a rational reason. Maybe because she was the most innocent person of all the people I'd dealt with before. She'd had no hand in her father's wrongdoing, her only downside was simply being related to the man. She was cursed from the start.
But that wasn't quite it either... why did it matter if she was innocent or not? She had started out as ultimately a means to an end, an avenue to her father, the real target.
It was just something about her I couldn't justify. There was no statistical reason. I just LIKED her.
I took another sip from my glass, making a sour face. Yep, definitely don't need anymore whiskey.
Was it the drink that was making me soft, or was I actually growing soft in general? You couldn't be soft in this line of work. I never had been before, at least not to this extent.
I was seriously considering foregoing the entire thing. Maybe I'd done all I was capable of doing without any distraction. Because now, there was definitely a distraction.
Was I actually thinking of killing my boss over this girl? I mean it SOUNDED good in my head. That would be protecting her. That was the only way to protect her at this point. It was also a surefire way to stop getting paid.
The money from these contracts had spoiled me over the years. No way could I go back to working a regular job after getting used to being paid that much every few months. I don't even think the President of the United States makes as much money in a year as I could from a few high level contracts.
