Hermitcraft Nonsense - S8 Oneshots

Incorrect Quotes Part 1

It's never too early to start this series :D No I'm totally not doing this because of the utter lack of oneshot ideas I have rn, you have no proof leave me be /lh

All the quotes with 3L! at the start of their names are from 3rd Life Season 1, not Last Life btw!

Most of these were written late at night so this chapter is a fever dream for me lmao. Enjoy nerds <3

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Mumbo: I died and came back as a cowboy, we here call that reintarnation

Iskall, holding up a bottle: What is this? Soda or perfume?
Etho, picking up the bottle and chugging the whole thing: It's perfume.

Bdubs: Please bring home PURIFIED water with NO minerals added for taste
Tango: We got spring water
Bdubs: NO
Keralis: With EXTRA minerals
Tango: It's like licking a stalagmite!
Bdubs: DON'T COME TO MY BASE
Keralis: Mmmm cave water

Scar: Stop buying plastic skeletons for Halloween! It's terrible for the environment!
Grian: Yeah! Locally sourced, all-natural skeletons are much more environmentally friendly!

Gem: If you were to vacuum up jello through a metal tube, I think that'd be a neat noise
Pearl: I beg to differ?
Gem: Then beg

Ex: Okay okay stop asking me if I'm straight, gay, bi, whatever. I identify as a FUCKING THREAT

Grian: Poison is a magic transmutation potion that turns people into corpses.
Mumbo: This knife is actually a magic wand.
Scar: Meet me by the Boatem Pole for a wizard duel.
Impulse, cocking a gun: Magic missile.
Pearl: What the fuck is wrong with you people.

Iskall: Go to hell
Etho, tearing up: I wish I could

Kidnapper: We have your friend Grian
Mumbo: Oh no, can I speak to him?
Kidnapper: Make it quick 
Mumbo, whispering into the phone: Goodbye you little shit

3L!Bdubs: I'm above taking petty revenge
3L!Cleo: Well, I'm not. So give me the crossbow

Doc: If there's a "heavens no" and "hell yes", why isn't there a "purgatory maybe"?

Ex: You have 24 hours.
Xisuma: Why is it always 24 hours?
Ex: Because I said so.
Xisuma: Can it be 16 hours?
Ex: YOU WANT LESS TIME??
Xisuma: Yeah, I do!
Ex: BITCH I'M TRYING TO HELP YOU

3L!Grian: I came into this world covered in blood, and I'm not afraid to leave it the same way

Keralis: I'm going to leaving for a bit, so I left a bowl of things for you guys to read when you don't know what to do
Keralis: For example, "Bdubs, don't do that" and "Tango, stop being stupid" applies to any situation

Doc: Joe, can I borrow 500 diamonds?
Ren: Why??
Doc: Escape room
Ren: What kind of escape room costs that much??
Doc: Jail

*MCCP2021*
Wilbur: Is stabbing a child immoral?
Grian: Not if they consent to it.
Techno: Depends who you're stabbing. If it's Tommy, go right ahead
Jimmy: Yes?? That is definitely immoral????

Mumbo: Good responses for being stabbed with a knife?
Pearl: Rude.
Grian: That's fair.
Scar: Not again.
Impulse: Are you going to want this back?

Iskall, cheerfully: And if you have any suggestions on how to make our shared base better, please drop it into the suggestions box!
Etho: ...That's a trash can.
Iskall, with the same tone: It sure is!

*Cleo, Stress, Pearl, and Gem are sitting on a bench*
False: Why do you guys look so sad?
Pearl: Sit down with us so we can tell you.
*False sits down*
Pearl: The bench is freshly painted.

Joe: English is a difficult language. It can be understood through tough thorough thought, though.
Cleo: You need to stop.

*First day of Vault Hunters*
Iskall, digging Tubbo out of the relic booster packs: Can't you be serious for 5 minutes???
Tubbo: My record is 4, but I think I can do it

Mumbo: What is the meaning of life?
Scar: Grian
Mumbo: Aw, that's sweet, is that because you two are good friends?
Scar: No, it's because Grian is short
Grian: I WILL END YOU.

*Doc walks in on Ren kissing his own reflection in the mirror*
Doc: ...You know what, I'm not even gonna ask

Gem: Bdubs and Tango are fighting outside and screaming, don't you think you should do something?
Keralis, nodding: You're right, I should
*Keralis closes the window*

Scar: Grian, you need to be the bigger person and walk away from the argument
Grian: I can't do that!
Scar: Why??
Grian: I'm shorter than Mumbo
Scar: That's not how i--never mind.

*Ren and Doc, texting*
Doc: Where the duck are you
Doc: Duck* I hate autocorrect
Doc: Duck*
Doc: Duck*
Doc: Duck*
Ren: Goose

Cleo: If I make you breakfast in bed a simple "thank you" would suffice! None of this "how did you get into my house?" business! People are so rude nowadays!!

Bdubs: I was always told to think first before acting
Bdubs: So if I smack Tango for being an idiot, rest assured that I thought about it first and I am confident in my decision

*Snowflake lands on Jimmy's hand*
Jimmy: Oh, it's beautiful!!
*The snowflake melts*
Jimmy: This world is garbage. I'm never loving anything ever again

Cleo: I'm never donating blood again.
Cleo: The SECOND I walk in they ask so many questions, like "Whose blood is this?" or "Why do you have seven buckets of blood?", like, way to be ungrateful, right?
Joe, backing away: ...Right

3L!Grian: I promised Scar I wouldn't do anything stupid
3L!Scott: Why would you lie to him like that??

Bdubs: When you buy a bigger bed you have more bed room but less bedroom
Keralis: Go to bed.
Bdubs: No

*Monopoly Mountain Alliance texting*
Scar: Idk is the most mysterious acronym
Scott: Literally everyone knows what that means?
Grian: So what does it mean?
Joel: I don't know
Scar: SEE, NOBODY KNOWS

Zedaph: I love you guys, you're the best thing that's ever happened to me
Impulse: We're the best thing that's ever happened to you?
Zedaph: Yes!!
Tango: I'm starting to feel a bit sorry for you

Hels: Close your eyes bro
Ex: Okay bro
Hels: What do you see bro?
Ex: Nothing bro
Hels: That's my life without you bro
Ex, sobbing: Bro...

Grian: I trained this chicken to talk!
Mumbo: Okay...
Grian: What's a male deer called?
The chicken: Buck
Grian: How much is 200 pennies?
The chicken: Buck buck
Mumbo: This is stupid.