Bloodline ✦ Nomin

10

⊱ ─── { Jeno } ─── ⊰

Leave him. He's worthless. Let him suffer. He deserves it.

Those were the words that immediately came to mind when Jaemin mentioned a voice saying something of that nature. Jeno wasn't sure where it came from or why it was the first thing he thought of at the vague description he was given, but it did.

The whole conversation was upsetting to Jeno. It hurt him in ways he couldn't describe...

But Jaemin was right.

Of course Jeno wasn't struggling with his devil half or trying to be good to Jaemin, but he was having passing thoughts that seemed to be coaxing him into doing things such as leaving Jaemin or reclaiming his spot as the devil. But these weren't his true desires. When the thoughts come to him, he has no wish to follow through with it. They were intrusive and despicable.

But if Jeno was so confident that he wouldn't act on these thoughts, why did he lie to Jaemin?

Perhaps this question in itself was that side of Jeno putting his own intentions into question so he was laced with self doubt, but he loved Jaemin. He would never betray him like that again. And yet, he couldn't stop himself from thinking:

If I did it once, what's stopping me from doing it again?

So Jeno tries desperately to bury that guilt with love and quality time and acts of service. Anything to avoid coming clean to Jaemin. He was convinced that telling him about these things would ruin their relationship. He could handle an argument and being accused of things, but completely destroying Jaemin's heart by admitting he was even having these thoughts cross his mind in the first place was too much to bear just to imagine. He would lose all trust in Jeno. They would never be the same. He could very well lose Jaemin again.

Still. It didn't make Jaemin's pleading apology any less painful. Him admitting his faults and apologizing for doing the exact thing Jeno has been doing for months just added to his immense guilt.

Jeno was a fraud. He was a hypocrite. He was a liar. He didn't deserve Jaemin. Not in the slightest.

Even when Jeno had good intentions and was trying his best, all he ever did was lie and let Jaemin take all the blame. He fucking hated himself for it.

It makes him wonder if he ever really changed. Sure, he's leading a much more normal life, now, but his horrible habits won't go away. He was lying as naturally as he could breathe, and if Jaemin ever finds out about any of this...he could lose him just like Xiao lost Hendery.

Xiao's fuck ups cost him their relationship, and his inability to change sealed their fate...It terrifies Jeno to think he could do the same with Jaemin. How much more could he withstand of his lies and betrayal before he finally sees through him and gives up on him completely.

Maybe that's why he doesn't want to marry him...He knows deep down that something like that is too official and a relatively binding action for the living, and he can't find it in him to trust Jeno enough to do it.

Would Jaemin have married Renjun, had they ended up together?

While this thought would normally infuriate Jeno, all it does now is dampen his spirits even more.

He would have. He's sure of it.

Jeno is pulled out of his head by the sound of his phone dinging loudly from his pocket. He pulls it out and finds a text from a contact labeled "love of my life" with an emoji consisting of two pink hearts: one which he noticed they would use often.

On my way home rn. I'll be there in about 5 minutes

Jeno quickly types out his message and sends:

Okay, baby. See you soon

Jeno then locks his phone and slips it in his back pocket. He takes the final suitcase he has lying on their bed and zips it up. He proceeds to grab it and lug it into the living room with the rest. He stands with the suitcases, and before long, he hears the sound of the metal key grinding into the lock. Jeno's heart leaps as the door opens, and he sees Jaemin enter with his book bag hanging from his shoulder. Jeno beams at him with a bright smile spread across his face.

"What's going on?" Jaemin tilts his head as he stares on in immense confusion.

"Well, you're finally done with the semester, and that means your vacation has started. So. I packed our bags. We're leaving for a road trip," Jeno says calmly despite the excitement welling up in his chest.

But Jaemin doesn't smile.

He doesn't reply.

He frowns deeply, instead.

"What's wrong?" Jeno's expression slowly falls.

"Jeno, I...I appreciate all of this, but...I think we should wait," he murmurs before hastily adding, "At least until your test results come in. I don't want there to be an emergency and we're not even in town."

Jeno wants to argue. He wants to persuade Jaemin that this will be good for them. He spent weeks upon weeks planning this, and yet...Jaemin had a point. Besides, Jeno didn't have it in him to defend going on the trip now, anyhow.

"Oh...yeah...no, you're right," he mumbles disappointedly, "Sorry."

"Don't apologize," Jaemin pouts as he shuts the door and hastily rushes to Jeno, "This was so sweet of you. I just want to make sure we know what we're dealing with before we go."

"No, you're right. It's okay," Jeno agrees, though he continues to inadvertently sound sulky.

"Jeno..." Jaemin faintly whines as he wraps his arms around Jeno's neck, "Please don't be sad."

"Sorry," is all he can manage to get out.

"It's only a few more days. Just a few more and then we can go. And when we do, we're gonna have the best time. Okay? I promise."

Jeno exhales deeply through his nose before attempting to smile once more. It wasn't half as bright as the one before, but it was something.

"Okay," he agrees, "So if we are postponing the trip...how else are we going to celebrate your freedom?"

Jaemin bites his bottom lip as he grins happily at him.

"Can we lie in bed for a while and cuddle?" he requests.

"Of course we can. Anything you want, baby," he utters before kissing Jaemin gently.

Without breaking the kiss, Jaemin drops his bag carelessly on the ground and starts blindly leading Jeno to their room.

Suddenly, Jaemin bumps into the couch and nearly falls to the floor. Jeno's heart drops in panic at this, but he quickly grabs Jaemin's waist and pulls him close, holding onto him to make sure he was safe.

"Be careful," he lectures Jaemin.

"Sorry," Jaemin murmurs before kissing Jeno once more, "Thank you for saving me. You're my hero."

"Don't make it weird."

"How is that weird?" Jaemin cocks one of his brows.

"You're weird," Jeno avoid answering. He knew Jaemin wouldn't like his true answer. He didn't feel like a hero, and being called one, even as a cute joke, was exacerbating the feeling that he's a fraud.

"So are you," Jaemin teases him.

"C'mon," Jeno rolls his eyes as he walks Jaemin to the bedroom, making sure there were no more incidents in the process.