Only if: A LOSING GAME (Slow updates)

//Chapter 1//

**TW: SUICIDE**

**DO NOT MISS THE AUTHOR'S NOTE**

Present:

There were noises around. Continuous howling, blaming, shouting, everything contrary to what she wanted. Peace. Peace, was something she was looking for but all she got in return was chaos. The clouds thundered heavily. The nature was also conspiring against her. Were gods not happy from her? Was her Dugga Maa angry on something, she was unknown to? Maybe unhappy about the fact she had that extra roshgulla? She vigorously cleared her head. What was she even thinking? She wanted silence. What? What exactly was expected out of her? Why were all the expectations from her? Always? Only her? 

She very quietly sneaked out. She just wanted to go far from all this daily nuisance. She  can't. She just can't. She was walking without any destination to go, just going wherever her legs were taking. Did feet have a mind of their own? But what about brain? Ughhh! She groaned. What the actual hell was wrong? Silence. Silence, is what she was craving for. But her mind. Her rambling. Nothing, absolutely nothing was letting her have that. 

Tears started rolling down, swiftly gliding down her cheeks. Burning sensation. For the first time those burning sensation in her eyes weren't irritating her but providing her with a sense of relief. Yes, a step closer to what she wanted. Should she cry more? Maybe put some chilies in it to increase the sensation? Only if some vegetable shop was open around. Only if she was not roaming at this pitch black hour. What time was it? Midnight? Or was it way pass that? 

Wind swiftly blew on her face, leaving a cooling effect on the now dried trail of tears. Few hair strands stick to the face. She moved her hand to remove but winced slightly. Pain. Yes this was what she wanted to free herself from because she had immense of it. But there was a lot in her heart. Why did she feel that pain in her palm, then? Wow! Was the pain spreading throughout her body? Was it like some poison? Slowly yet efficiently reaching each and every end of her system? Will the outcome be the same? Blackness engulfing? Will she then be at peace? Will she then have what she was looking for? 

She felt something wet on her palm. It was the same palm which was paining few minutes back. Was the poison leaking out? No! No, she can't afford that. She wants it to spread as badly as it could. She quickly brought her palm in front to tie it with her saree but it was red. Poison, pain and blood looked similar? Wow! Poison is the path of pain. Pain is what we get when we are hurt. And blood is the outcome of hurt. Ironically blood also helps us to be alive. Not again! How does she master this talent of deviating from the topic? Focus. Focus back. Where was she? Uhh, yeah, blood. How did she get that? She chuckled. What does she mean by how did she get that? She had it in her since she was born. She started laughing. How funny she was! 

Taking a u-turn from her thoughts and she was back to this thick, red liquid clotting now. It looked fancy. There were four different marks in one line making a beautiful pattern. How did she hurt herself though? Ahh! Seems like nail marks. Oh yes! She fisted her palms quite harshly and that is why this happened. Can she squeeze her heart the same way? Will blood still come out? Will she collapse? That sounds fascinating. 

She let her hand fall lazily on her side and continued walking. She suddenly heard a bird chirping. Was it dawn nearing? For how long has she been walking? Or maybe she left late? Don't know. How amazingly she didn't have answers to anything! The girl who had answers to every problem one could think about, currently was in a puddle full of only questions. Questions. Questions. Questions. 

She heard the sound of water somewhere near her. She harshly clasped her ears. No. Not again. She didn't want to hear anything. Every extra sound reminded her of the chaos ready to engulf her back at her home. Uhmm his home. It was always his, wasn't it?