Scars [Ashton Irwin]

Chapter Nine

Author's Note:
For the full effect, it would be grand if you listened to Gale Song by The Lumineers while you read this. Enjoy. xx

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CHAPTER NINE:

I don't know if you've ever felt like something was so right, and yet you were too afraid of the intensity of your own feelings. Like falling in love could break you, and yet it was such a blissful feeling.

As we kissed, and clothes started to disappear, memories of Jace came back to me. I fought to keep the demons away and focus on this moment with Ashton. I didn't know if it was the music, but there had definitely been a shift in my mood, and suddenly, I wanted nothing. There was a huge gaping hole in my chest that  I tried to fill by losing myself in this one kiss.

"Ash ..." I whispered, pushing him away gently.

"What's wrong?" He asked breathlessly, the concern clear in his eyes.

"I'm sorry, I just ...I don't know." I tried to explain, but the words failed me. My heart was beginning to race again, and I had the urge to run again. To hide myself from him. To scream. To cry.

"Kenzie? Is something wrong?" He asked once again, getting off of me. I would have loved to tell him what was wrong. But the problem was that I didn't really know. I just suddenly felt so small and insignificant. I could hear words that had been said to me so clearly in my head, I had the urge to block my ears.

"I think that you should go." I said as the tears started streaming down my face.

"No."

"Please, Ash. I just ...I just need to be alone."

"I am not going anywhere. I promised that I would always be here, and that is exactly what I am doing." I had never had anyone care enough to stay even when I said that I wanted to be alone. And just like that, I crumbled like a wall and cried. He held me in his arms as I cried, not really knowing what it is that he was supposed to say to me. "I wish I could make it better. I don't wanna see you like this."

It didn't take too long for me to calm down. I lay in his arms and tried to rid my mind of all negative thoughts. He kept gently stroking my hair, tickling my skull as he did. I didn't want him to ask, but I wanted him to, because I needed to be assured that he really did care.

"I wish you would tell me what happened." Ashton spoke softly.

"I'm okay." I muttered, wiping the tears away.

"You don't have to pretend, Kenzie."

"I feel like I do."

"Not around me, you don't." The sincerity in his voice almost broke my already shattered heart. But instead, it  put together a couple of pieces. "Show me your scars." He whispered. My heart almost stopped just then. I hid them very well, it was almost impossible that he had seen them. And then I remembered the first time that he and Cassidy had came over here, I had over heard Ashton telling her about it.

"But, why?" I asked. I had forgotten that we were sitting on my bed both of our shirts missing. But that didn't matter right now.

"Because I want to see how many times you needed me, and I wasn't there." He mumbled, starring into my soul.

I hadn't the slightest clue what his reaction might have been, but for whatever reason, I trusted him. I did what I thought that I might never do and showed my scars, showing both bare arms to Ashton. He flinched when he first saw what it is that I had done to myself. There were more, but I couldn't bring myself to tell him that after seeing the look on his face as he looked at my self inflicted wounds. Some were fresh, and some nothing but a scar with a story behind it.

"Why?" He whispered. He caressed the self harmed skin as though that would make the markings go away. I stared at him and gauged his reactions carefully. "Kenzie, why would you do this to yourself?" It sounded worse when he mentioned my name, because that only made it clear to me that I was not off in my own little  world. People here actually knew that I existed. Well, some of them to be completely fair.

"I ...it just ..." I stuttered, trying to explain myself, but nothing came.

"Oh no, baby." He gently began kissing the scars on both of my arms, and I couldn't help the tears that fell from my eyes as he did. This went on for a while. Each little scar receiving a kiss, until he looked up at me again with tears in his eyes. He cupped my cheek with his large hand, and wiped the tears away once again. "I need you to promise me something."

"Anything."

"If you ever want to cut yourself, you are going to take my arm, look me in the eyes and cut as many times as you would yourself." He muttered, starring into my eyes as he did.

"I could never hurt you like that." I whispered.

"Then why do you do it to yourself?" He asked in a hushed tone.

"Because ...because I'm a mess."

"No you are not."

"Yes I am, Ashton. Look at me." I cried.

"I am." His eyes never left mine, as though he was afraid that if he turned away from me for a split second, I would disappear. "Who is he?" He asked.

"Jace." I answered.

"What has he done to you, baby?"

"I-i can't tell you."

"Please." He pleaded.

"No. I just ...I can't. I-i don't want to talk about it." I stuttered, my heart pulling at the mere mention of his name. It hurt to even think about it.

"I'm not going to force you." He promised. "Just please, don't you ever hurt yourself again."

"I can't promise that."

"Why?"

"I just ...I can't." I said, looking down at my scars. He used his fingers to lift my chin so that I was looking at him again.

"Listen to me, McKenzie. You are worth so much more than this. How is hurting yourself going to help? You need to talk to someone about this. Bottling it all up will drive you crazy. Just, please. Don't do this to yourself. I have just found you, do you think that I want to lose you? I fucking care about you, and I don't want anything to happen to you." It almost sounded like he was angry. It made me feel kind of warm inside that he cared this much about me. The broken little girl with secrets that she won't reveal. But he was here. Right here. And he cared. And I fucking loved that.

☆★☆★☆★☆★☆★☆★☆★☆★☆★☆★☆★☆★

Author's Note:
I admit that I cried a little when I was writing this.

If anyone is reading this, I would just like to request that you please vote or maybe even comment. I really don't mind constructive criticism. And if you vote, it really does motivate me to write, because then I don't feel like I'm just writing to my walls.

But uhm yeah, I hope that you're enjoying the story.

xxx McRee