Secrets [H.S.]

26.

Aurora DiLorenzo 

I'm miserable. I try so hard to be happy and okay with the way my life is. I thought this was everything I wanted. I thought that I was with the guy I wanted to be with. I was living in my dream apartment, I had my best friend since diapers with me, I had my boyfriend, and I talked to my dad and sister as much as humanly possible. So what is the problem? Why am I so god damn miserable with my life? 

I've always struggled with mental health and I've gotten better over the years, but lately I feel like I'm spiraling again. I need to get away from all of this. Something in my life has to change. I've never felt more like shit than in this moment. I have tears running down my face, mascara smeared under my eyes. I don't want to keep feeling like this and lately he's been making me feel absolutely terrible for what I want to do. 

There's so much distance between us since we got back and it's hard. It's hard going from spending all your time with someone and everything being so good for so long, to it turning to absolute shit in what feels like moments. 

I'm sitting here on Isla's bed, trying to calm myself down before she gets out of the shower. She has no idea what's going on, or the fact that I'm here so early. Taking a deep breath, I climb off her bed and walk over to her dresser, grabbing a makeup wipe. I stare at myself in the mirror, not liking who's staring back. I begin wiping off all the mascara, attempting to make it seem as though I'm fine. When I'm done I throw out the wipe in the trash near her desk and make my way back onto the bed, laying back against the pillows, my hands coming up to rest over my eyes. 

"Jesus Christ, Aurora! I didn't know you were here yet." Isla's voice breaks the silence as she enters the room. I peek through my fingers at her, wrapped in her towel. "Why is there a suitcase?" She questions, causing me to sit up. 

"Can I stay for a few days?" I ask her. 

"Of course, you know you don't have to ask, but what's wrong? What happened? Do I need to kick his ass?" Her hands are falling to her hips. 

"We got into a fight." 

"You've been fighting a lot lately." I try to ignore the hatred for him in her voice. I know she doesn't like him at all, even if she pretends she does for my sake. 

"Yeah, well this time it was huge. He hates that I'm constantly hanging out bars with you and that I should spend more time at home with him and that it's not attractive that I like to go out every weekend." I roll my eyes, repeating the gist of the fight. 

"You're joking right?" She asks. 

"I wish I was. He also accused me of cheating on him and then took my phone and went through it." 

"You let him go through your phone? What the fuck is wrong with him? You cheating?" She comes to sit down next to me. 

"I didn't want to snatch my phone back and look guilty. I don't have anything to hide, he knows how much I don't like cheaters." 

"Still, that's just wrong of him. It sounds like he's the one hiding something." She shrugs. 

I shake my head, knowing he would never cheat on me. He loves me too much to do that to me. Right? 

Even though we've been going through it since we got back to New York for the spring semester, I don't think he would ever do something like that to me. I trust him and even if he's been being an absolute jackass lately, I really doubt he would hurt me like that. 

***

It's been months since that fight we had and things have only gotten worse. He's been so much more distant, barely speaks to me when we get home from school. He's switched to a night class in order to spend less time with me and he even asks me if I'm going out for the weekend, practically pushing me out of the door. 

I'm hurt. So incredibly hurt over this entire situation. I want nothing more than to curl up in a ball and disappear. What did I ever do to deserve this? 

I refuse to talk to anyone about all of this. I don't tell Isla too much, only because I can't bear to feel judged right now. Deep down I know she wouldn't judge me, but my own insecurities and fears are way louder than the logical part of me. I'm drowning in my own hurt and I don't know how to handle it. 

I act like I'm okay. I act like I don't care that he doesn't want me around anymore or that he is quite literally avoiding me. I spend my weekends at Isla's, putting on a facade that I'm alright, that I'm fine with how my life is going. I pretend like there aren't any issues with Matt and I, that we're still perfect and it's like it was when we were in high school. 

It's when I go home during the week and cry myself to sleep because I'm so alone even though I'm living with my boyfriend. I hear him get home late from his class and he takes a while to come to bed. Sometimes I wake up and he's not even there. It genuinely hurts me that we've strayed so far away from what we once were. I hope we can get back to where we once were. I don't think I could handle losing him. 

Hi lovies, this chapter is a flashback to show a little bit about Aurora's past relationship and how she held a lot in and hid a lot, just to show how much she deserves and how Harry is so good for her. It's meant to be super short. I'm getting into the middle of the semester and things are picking up a lot, so I'm trying to work on updating while managing work and nursing school. I will try to update sooner rather than later, but no promises. 

Lots of kisses - Bella :)