5,160 Miles [Billie Eilish]

She gets me

WARNING - vomit/nausea included in this chapter, not in great detail but still included.

Deep breath in Reese... hold it, and out. I repeated in my head as I scanned the busy room for Billies neon green.

"Hey baby" I heard her speak in the most gentle tone I think she'd ever used. Seconds later I felt her familiar grip tighten around my waist from the back, "let's go home."

She called the taxi this time since she knew my house number and street name. She's extremely protective, I could tell that it pained her to watch me call a cab in the state I was in earlier, but she had no choice - she had no idea where we were going.

As we made our way outside I couldn't help but focus on the passing faces. I noticed a young couple, they were awing over scan photos as the two rubbed her pregnant belly - they'd just seen their baby, today was probably one of the best days of their life. Across the street I noticed a mother and daughter, hand in hand. The little girl was skipping to match her mother's faster pace, the pair were laughing so loudly you could hear them over here. Then behind me I saw a man walking out of the doctors, mid forty's I'd say. A wide smile on his lips, happy tears trickling down his face - he'd clearly had good news.

What I realised in that moment is that when you're faced with tragedy, a loss so large that you have no idea how you can live through it, somehow the world keeps turning, the seconds keep ticking. Morning will come, it has no choice and I guess the moral of the story is that life goes on, even when you are so sure it won't.

In the blink of an eye we had arrived home, literally the blink of an eye. I had no idea how I got here, I guess Billie was to thank for that.

"Come sit down beautiful" she pulled out a dining chair for me before turning to the coffee machine. I didn't say a word, I still couldn't wrap my foggy brain around what had just happened.

Moments later Billie handed me a warm coffee and sat opposite me, she didn't bother to ask what flavour this time. "Do you want to talk about it?"

I shook my head. I did want to talk about it, but I didn't want to say it out loud because then it's true, and it really can't be true.

The thing about loving someone with dementia is that each day you lose a piece of them. It goes on like that until eventually you're eye to eye with them, and their whole being is in front of you, but the person you previously knew is no longer there.

"We don't have to talk, we can just be here ok?" Her voice was soft, like an angel. She just gets me. I nodded her way as I let my thoughts swell up my brain.

How am I going to speak to Tom about this? How am I going to tell his family? This is far too much for me to handle.

How am I going to watch him slowly forget how to do things for himself? How do I help him keep his independence? This is going to steal his dignity right from under his nose.