I sold my soul to Rock 'n' Roll

Chapter 21

I went to my bunk where I got time to really think about it all. More just cry, thinking that soon would the tears end but they never did. They just kept on falling from my eyes until I fell asleep.

I woke up around two the next day, still feeling as sad as the day before… if not even more. It was sinking in more now that he really was gone, that this wasn't just a dream. 

It felt like I had cried all my emotions away. I was still tired as fuck and all my joy for life was gone. 

It was a really weird feeling because I didn't know what to feel. 

I just stayed there in the bunk, not moving, not doing anything. Just staring up in the ceiling.  

I laid there the whole day until Filip came around seven pm with a sandwich on a plate. 

"I made you this one", he said and tried to give me it but I didn't take it.

"I don't want it", I said and turned around so I was facing the wall.

"You have to eat Charlie", he said. 

"I'm not hungry."

"Charles do you know what you're gonna do yet? I mean with the tour and shit. I totally understand if you don't want to continue", he said.

"I have to go back to Huntington but then I don't have a fucking clue about what I'm gonna do with the rest of my life", I said and sat up.

"We're coming with you." 

And they did. We booked a flight to California and arrived one million years later. The flight was so psychically painful. 

Last time I went to Huntington had I been so excited because I was gonna meet the man that I loved and now I was going there to bury him. 

The tears burned behind my eyes the entire time but I didn't let them fall. No more tears. 

The guys went to find a hotel where we could stay but I went straight to Matt's house.

I hesitated a bit before I knocked the door. I needed to think for a second how I would react when he opened the door. How would he react? Would he even open? I saw all the fans down on the street and was pretty sure that they had been here and knocked too. 

But I knocked and hoped for the best because I really had to see the guys. The guys in my band didn't understand my pain as much as these guys might be able to. They were the ones I needed to talk to. They had been his best friend for I don't know how long and they were probably just as heartbroken as I. 

No one opened the door but I knew they were in there because the cars was parked outside the house so I knocked again. Now the door opened.

"Please can you guys… oh Charlie", it was Val.

She probably thought that it had been fans who knocked over and over again. 

I could see on her face how sad she was. Her eyes were red from crying and they just glowed with sorrow. 

"Hi Val…", I said quietly. 

She didn't answer me, just hugged me tightly. It was a very confusing hug for some reason… it felt good and comforting but at the same time really sad and painful.

"I'm so sorry Charlie", she said and let go of me.

"Me too", I said. 

"Let's go inside before they come", she said and nodded over to where all the sobbing fans stood. 

"They've been bothering you a lot?" I asked as we walked inside the house.

"Not bothering really… they just want to show us how sad they are about it all but it's really hard to deal with. Especially for the guys since they want to be there for their fans but it's too much for them to handle right now", she explained. 

"I see…" 

We went to the kitchen where I saw Matt's back as he sat at the kitchen island in the middle of the room with his hand around a cup of coffee. 

"See who came for a visit", Val said as we walked into the room. 

He slowly looked back towards us and a little smile appeared on his lips. "Hey Charlie", he said.

"Hi", I said and walked over to him to hug him. 

"How are you?" he asked.

"Been better", I sighed.

"Yeah I know… dumb question."

I stayed all night at Matt's. The guys in A7X came after a while and we all just hanged there and talked about Jimmy. It was tough at first but then we just started to laugh about all the good memories we had from him, and how much fun our life had been when he was around. 

I fell asleep in the couch sometime around two am and I woke up the next morning and actually didn't feel tired anymore. Last night had really been good for me because in some twisted way, it felt like I could deal with it.

And I did. Until the day came when it was time for the funeral. I had been okay for all those days. I hadn't cried and I hadn't just stayed in the bed but when I woke up that morning didn't I want to leave the bed at all. It was the day for my final goodbye to Jimmy and it was going to be the most painful thing I'd ever experienced. 

I stood in Matt's living room after the ceremony and watched as all those people who knew Jimmy. 

I didn't want to talk to anyone. Not that I really knew anyone there either and it didn't really feel like the right moment to start making new friends. The tears burned behind my eyes, telling me that I would loose it any second now. 

I went outside and closed the door behind me just as the tears fell. I just sat there on the stairs to the house in the darkness and cried in silence. I didn't want anyone to see me now. Didn't want to show myself weak. And of course someone walked out through the door in that moment. 

I wiped away the tears from my face and took a deep breath before I looked up to see who stood next to me. It was Syn.

"Hey are you okay?" he asked and sat down next to me. 

"Yeah", I sighed. "Just needed some air." 

"Me too", he said and lightened a cigarette. "Want one?" 

"I'd kill for one", I chuckled and took one from him. 

I lightened in and inhaled the smoke so it filled my lungs. "Do you guys know what you're gonna do about the band yet?" I asked.

"Eh.. no", he said. "I have absolutely no idea. I know that we should continue without him, for the fans. And I know that he wouldn't want us to just quit after everything we've done to get this far but I don't know how we'll be able to do it without him. I mean it's Jimmy's band too! We need him there with us." 

Then he sighed probably the most painfully sigh I'd ever heard.