A million miles [Billie Eilish]

I forgive you

I watched through my lens as she started her opening song- she usually chooses an upbeat one, which is always great for photos.

I couldn't help but notice as I zoomed into her face how it was free from blemishes, how her eyes glistened the brightest shade of blue under the lights, how her hair, although messy, looked perfect in her space buns.

After a few close ups, I zoomed out, attempting to show off her outfit in the photos. She wore a blue printed shirt, matched with blue Louis Vuitton patterned shorts, I'd never seen her wear the combination before, but I loved it.

I managed to capture some pretty good shots of her jumping around with the crowd, smiling- god she's so beautiful when she smiles.

The last show I was far too nonplussed to do so much as look through my lens. To be honest, I don't remember much of it. This time I felt present, this time I could see her without a foggy vision, I could work my camera, and capture her doing what she does best.

She didn't look at me. Not once. She didn't acknowledge my existence, and last show I would've loved that but this time part of me expected her to notice me, to look at me dead in the eyes as she sang, but she didn't. It was like I wasn't even there. Maybe that was a good thing though, at least I didn't get distracted wondering whether she was singing to, or about me, or neither...

Several songs later Billie said goodbye to the crowd, and just like last time exited through backstage, I waited a few minutes for the crowd to die down then walked up the steps and behind the stage myself.

Just like last time, I made it all the way to my dressing room without passing Billie, however unlike last time she wasn't stood by my dressing room waiting for me, she was nowhere to be seen and for some reason that stung my heart.

I edged closer to my dressing room, a continuous line of thoughts running through my brain as I did so. She must still be mad at me, she can't even look at me she's so mad. Maybe she doesn't know I'm here... maybe she just didn't see me. Yeah, that's it. But surely with her team asking for me specifically, she'd know I was coming? Ugh.

I opened the door and walked inside, I wasn't paying attention at all and ended up walking into something- no, someone. Billie, I ended up walking into Billie, "I'm sorry."

She laughed lightly, "I'm the one in your dressing room and you're apologising? Shut the fuck up," she said in her usual joking tone.

"You have a point," I started, "I didn't expect you to..."

Billie cut me off, "I know. I couldn't look at you when I was on stage- you distract me too much."

Oh

"I didn't- I mean, they asked me to come here..." I said, not quite knowing what else to say in that moment.

Billie laughed again, "I asked for you, dumb ass."