Unheard Voice and Unexpressed Feelings [2018-2020]

Door slamming a close friend

I door slammed one of my close friends for pretending to understand me and say things against me like I am hard and tiring to deal with. Acting like a really good friend in front of me, laughing and smiling but deep inside her mind say things otherwise and upset at me. She did say I'm so hard to deal with before (she didn't say tiring and how hard my attitude is) but I thought she already understood me being introverted, sensitive and emotional. I even turned down some of their invitations before. I was so aloof. As I am introverted, I am shy as well (which is not all introverted). So from high school to college, I never really went out with people much. Going to a store and buy was a struggle for me. I loathe being stared at cos I know why they do that. They would bully me and make fun of my mouth. Even my family and my friend (I door slammed) often make fun of my mouth and keep teasing. Some people said to undergo surgery to fix it. However, I decided to try to reach out to her and her best friend a year ago and trust them. I started sharing things a little and talk to them. Look what she did? It was so disappointing! Back to her. So she had been tolerating me. I didn't even mind her making fun of my mouth every time we saw each other and thought it was fine with me cos I just laughed. But she never knew it was so painful inside. Why always remind me of my defect? I know that.

We were never that close before I met my hubby. Now that I haven't seen her for a month and not talk to her pretending everything is okay, no one would make fun of me, sometimes shout at me, treat me so easily that she would belittle me, thinking I can't do some things, now I feel so good and enjoying life without undergoing those negative things, so toxic! I think she has no idea how accepted her negative traits like so bully, boastful, joker in a hard way making others feel bad about it, meddle in other people's lives, judging people and say things against them, etc. I accepted all her flaws and sometimes her ill-treatment (in a joking way) to me cos I treat her as my close friend and I have known her since we were kids. However, I can't believe she never understood me and use my weakness to say things against me and maybe talk behind my back? Whenever, she treated me ill (even in front of my fam cos they think they are just kidding) I just smiled. I never think negative things about her. I even defended her from people saying she's fat and good at making fun of people (cos she is that way). I never comment on her negative traits. I kind of understand why she's like that, maybe it's cos how her fam treats her? Or her environment? I never judge her but she did to me. She even insulted me on my writing and me having no stable job yet. and she never realized she also has no stable job and job for years and been in and out of college for ten years and hasn't graduated yet but it's easy for her to talk about my work life to others and said how stupid I was. I never say things against her staying in college for years cos I understand how hard life is. In fact, encouraged her to continue and study well. I never said negative things to me after what she did to me. Cos she is my friend. Yes she's kind and I am grateful for the things she did to me and for the happy memories but I don't need someone to treat me like that, ever again. This is my first to have a friend like her but I was too understanding thinking maybe she had a bad day whenever she ill-treated me. I learned something from this.

Yunno when an introvert has enough being treated ill and belittled by people, even a close friend, they will avoid being around them. And even door slam them as I am an INFJ!

Yuchae Moon
May 21, 2018