Love You In My Mind // Sirius Black

Chapter 33

Because I'd told everyone that I would go abroad in the later weeks of the holidays, I managed to avoid seeing anyone.
I just wasn't ready for it.
I knew that, once I was back at school, I'd have to keep my facade up 24/7, and I knew that it was going to be excruciating. I wanted to keep myself private for as long as I could, so throughout the last weeks of the holidays, I just stayed at home, listened to music, read books, cooked or baked and went for little walks.

And when I was home alone, I didn't have to try and stay quiet, which was a huge relief when I just couldn't keep myself together anymore.

When the Hogwarts letter arrived, I was a little sad because I didn't become Head Girl... It would've been a nice distraction from thing, plus I would've felt really proud and honored to have been chosen.
So not getting the badge made me feel the opposite.
I had told myself before that I shouldn't expect it, but a deep part inside me had still remained hopeful.

I didn't even know why I kept having hope for something only to have it crushed a few weeks later. That seemed to be my life, lately.

Now that I was standing on Platform 9 3/4, about to start my final year at Hogwarts, I didn't want to let go of my mum and sister, who had both come to say goodbye.
The fact that I'd be in my very last year at Hogwarts made me even more emotional than I already was.
I hated it.

"I'll see you at Christmas," I croaked out and let go of them. To make the goodbye less painful, I immediately headed for the train and searched for my Ravenclaw friends.

But it was Remus who found me first.
"Oh my, Freya, are you alright?" He looked up and down on me with a concerned expression. "You've lost weight..."

I don't know why, but I hadn't expected these questions. I thought I looked pretty normal.
But since Remus looked so shocked and worried, I glanced down on myself, a little taken aback.

Yup, I still didn't see a change in my appearance. But his question wasn't too absurd, because I'd really not eaten a lot over the holidays, so it was possible that I'd lost a little weight.

"Um, I don't know? I fine," I gave him one of my fake smiles that I'd perfected over the summer. "Nice to see you!"

Now he smiled back at me. "So, how was Greece?"

I'd expected them to ask about my non-existent trip, so I wasn't unprepared. "Oh, wonderful! It was really fascinating and pretty, and one could find out a lot about the connections of magical creatures and Greek mythology. Centaurs, for example, were first mentioned in Greek Mythology, probably seen by muggles who then made up some reasonable stories - because there were less wizards and witches back then, that could've erased all of the muggles' memories. And there were too many magical creatures for them to stay completely hidden. It was fascinating, really- but there were too many olives, I don't like them all that much..."

I had practiced that rant in front of the mirror and was glad to see that Remus looked as if he didn't suspect a thing. "That sounds really cool! Maybe we could catch up in our compartment? I'm sure the others wouldn't mind you sitting with us, on the contrary."

I was quick to decline and shook my head. I wasn't ready yet. "No, but thank you. I'm looking for Lina, Aleya and Valerie, I haven't seen them all summer, they'd kill me if I didn't sit with them. But I'll see you at Hogwarts."

"Okay," Remus nodded. "By the way, have you heard that Lily and James of all people became Head Boy and Girl?"

I grinned, remembering how Sirius had ranted about that in his latest letter. 'Such a disgrace, how could he' and so on. But at least that meant he would spend more time with Lily, so I was happy for James. By the end of the letter, Sirius had actually accepted it, too.
"Yes, I've heard. Crazy, isn't it?"

"Really," Remus agreed. "I actually considered writing to McGonagall and asking her whether it was an accident or not."

My smile was actually sincere. "Really? Why didn't you?"
Remus shrugged, grinning. "I figured that it was a good accident, so I was fine with it. Also, just imagine the look on the teachers' faces when they see that the badge was in the wrong letter-"

"Priceless," I laughed quietly. I was just about to add something when some students behind Remus cleared their throats accusingly.

I couldn't blush any harder when I realised that Remus and I had blocked the hallway of the train. There were small queues lining up behind each of us.
Episode 301 of 'Freya wanting the ground to swallow her up'.

"Sorry," I mumbled quickly and pulled my suitcase closer to me, squeezing past Remus. I forced one last smile. "Bye."

"Bye," he said, looking as embarrassed by the situation as me.

With that, I continued my search and stopped 5 compartments later, when I saw Aleya's unmistakable bright blond curls.

She jumped up when she saw me and gave me a brief hug. "Hi Freya! How were your holidays?"

"Great," I replied when she let go. "I'll tell you more after I've managed to get that trunk up there."
I nodded towards the luggage rack.

While Aleya and I heaved that thing up, Valerie and Lina joined us. "Hey girls," Lina greeted, smiling brighter than the sun. "Ready for your last school year?"

"I'm more ready for the feast," Aleya smiled. "I'll really miss that when we're gone."

My rumbling stomach agreed. I loved the food at Hogwarts, and I hoped that I'd regain my appetite there.
"Me too," I said.

We sat down and made ourselves comfortable, and Valerie and Lina asked me about Greece, too.

It came in handy that I'd read so much over the holidays. Even though I'd never stepped a foot there, I could tell them a lot about it.

When I was done with my stories, the others talked about Lina's birthday party, which had happened in the holidays (without me, but this time I hadn't even tried to include myself, so I couldn't blame them), how Valerie had visited a muggle art workshop, and how Jacob and Aleya had each met the other's parents.

Their lives were going great, and I couldn't help but feel jealous of how happy all of my friends were.

The closer we got to the castle, the closer I was getting to seeing Sirius again. And although I had really missed him over the holidays, I felt sick to my stomach at the same time. I was scared and dreaded it.

I wasn't ready for any of this, but I'd never really be.