Love You In My Mind // Sirius Black

Chapter 50

Despite Sirius' insistence, we weren't allowed to enter the consulting room, and had to take a seat on the chairs in the hallway.

I couldn't take my eyes off Sirius, who had his hands buried in his curls, and his arms propped up on his legs.

The hallow feeling in my stomach just wouldn't disappear as I watched him sway back and forth nervously, and I was still in shock from the recent events.

After contemplating for about five minutes, I finally opened my mouth.
"I'm sorry."

My voice was quiet, but Sirius still heard me. He dropped his hands and lifted his head to look at me. "What for?"

The intensity of his Grey eyes caught me slightly off guard. He hadn't looked at me ever since I'd brought back a wounded Marlene, so I had thought that he'd blamed me and hadn't expected him to look me in the eyes again, but here we were.

His hair was messy, his face pale and his eyes red, but he still looked beautiful to me. I needed a few seconds to sort my thoughts again, and then the guilty feeling returned.
"I should've distracted the Death Eaters better. If I'd done a better job, none of this would have happened. It's my fault they even noticed us in the first place. It's all my fault that Marlene got hurt. I'm sorry."

Sirius' expression didn't change. Then he lifted an eyebrow. "Did you send the curse that hurt Marls?"

The odd question made me furrow my eyebrows. He didn't sound angry or anything, just matter-of-factly, but it was still strange. "No?"

Sirius nodded briskly. "Then as far as I'm concerned, this is not your fault, Frey. Don't be so harsh on yourself. You tried your best and you saved Marls' and your life by causing a distraction to get away."

"Marlene got hurt," I objected.
"But didn't die," Sirius added and put a hand on my shoulder.

His words didn't do much to make me feel better. Because although Sirius tried to play it cool that Marlene had gotten hurt, I still saw how worried he truly was.

He was falling apart, just like how I'd fallen apart when I'd seen him join Remus on a full moon, without knowing if he was save.

Sirius' voice had quivered at the sheer thought of Marlene dying.

He dropped his hand off my shoulder and we fell silent again.
I didn't feel like saying anything.

But apparently, Sirius had to get something off his chest. He swallowed, looking straight ahead at the wall in front of us.
"When I saw you carry her in, all pale and bloody, it felt as if my heart had stopped beating. For a split second I actually thought that... You know... I can't bare that thought. I can't get that picture out of my head-"
His voice cracked.

He didn't look at me, but I still saw tears glisten in the corner of his eye.
My heart broke at the sight.

I mustered up all my strength. "Like you said, nothing happened. She'll be fine."

"I know that," Sirius turned to me. "But all of this makes this situation so much more real. We're all living in constant danger. Today I realised how bad all of this could actually turn out. What if something happens to all of you? What if something happens to Marlene? I love her more than anything on earth, I can't lose her!"

Ouch. The knife in my chest had just doubled in size and I almost flinched.

Pull yourself together, Freya! This isn't about you, it's about Sirius!

"I know what you mean," I croaked out of my clogged up throat. "But we can't really change anything about the danger. It's present whether we choose to fight or not, so we might as well do the latter. Faith is all we have."