an encounter | matty healy

// four //

"i still love you... don't you mind ?"

our eyes interlocked with a concerning look on both our faces. "lennon? are you alright?" he asked. i looked at him in complete shock and my heart was racing. "a-aren't you dating somebody else? you shouldn't still be in love with me..." he looked as if i've shattered his heart, just like he did to mine. "i know i've got a girlfriend, len, but when i saw you in the crowd i started to feel something." he took apart his cigarette and threw it away, his breath smelled strongly of alcohol. "i want you. look, i miss writing songs about you that i never had the balls to release, i miss your hair and the way it slowly falls over your face, i miss every single thing about you that i knew when we were together. i don't have those things with gemma apparently." i can't believe he still wants me, after everything.

speechless, i walked away from him. i felt something get ahold on my wrist and matthew turned me to face him, closer. "don't walk away from me." his eyes were full of regret, but something inside of him is telling him that he should continue talking to me. the only things that i wanted to say to him were: "why me?" , "why did you leave me for someone else?" , "why do you still hold on to me?".

me ... me ... me ....

his actions merely affected me.

he left me for someone that he doesn't want anymore.

now, he wants me.

before breaking the silence, sade ran down the hall, thankfully interrupting me. she was giggling uncontrollably. "lennon! i need you to come," she took a deep sigh, turned around to face matthew, "you look drunk." She giggled and took me by the arm to make our way into the main hall. matthew let go of my wrist, still having a look of deep sadness. she took me to margo, who looked worried. "where have you been? i couldn't find you anywhere then sade said she knew where you went and..." the last thing i could remember was that she disappeared without a word. i would've never thought that sade would be drunk and margo isn't.

"i saw her with a guy i don't really like," sade giggled, "things looked pretty serious back there." i wanted to just sit in the corner and cry until my eyes become dry. no matter how much anger i had when it comes to him, i still feel helpless. when we used to date, he'd tell me that i'm his anchor, all the time. now, i was his anchor. i'm no one's now.

margo started questioning us both on who it was, she started to get pissed off. before i knew it, my wrist was gripped and i turned to face matthew, again, and he pulled me aside.

"i promise you i've changed completely, you just have to believe me, len." he said. i fought back tears from falling down my now rosy cheeks. "you never gave up doing coke, like you said you would," i used my thumb to wipe a bit of white powder from the crease of his silent lips, "you never gave up lying to me, like you said you would, and you never gave up having your mates cover for your own lies when you knew how much it would affect us both." i stared in his deep, sorrowful eyes and decided to blurt out a bunch of things that i couldn't say before.

"if you really wanted to be with me in the first place, then you wouldn't have done that. i don't care if it was the drugs or whatever you're into but sober-wise you wouldn't have done that. fucking hell... matthew i honestly regret saying yes to you in the first place because of all this. you never seemed to care. you never did. and even if you did it would be about how i never wanted to smoke with you, solely because of the reason that you were 21 being big about it and i wasn't yet. why would a rockstar wannabe date a 16 year old 'good girl' who barely had her life put-together? and don't even fucking call me 'len' anymore."

before walking away, i said "you're fucking pathetic, healy." then i walked away into the crowd. i could feel sade and margo stare at me as i made my way to the exit, i was surprised they didn't react. i felt the cool air rush towards my head when looking at the empty streets.

"so, you've finally had enough of the drugs and alcohol and partying!" said a familiar voice.

i looked at the direction and saw a smiling collin. god i was glad to see him. i ran over to hug him as tight as i possibly could. "i thought you had work to do" i said, letting go of him. "after seeing sade's drunk posts and a very pissed off margo in there, where's the fun in doing what you're told?" he pleasantly smiled, but it faded after a couple seconds. "were things intense back there? why are you crying?" he quietly asked.

"just ran into... well, the junkie wannabe with the long curls and it did not go so well." i weakly smiled. "you ran into matt? that doesn't sound like he changed so well." said collin. "yeah, matt's still the same person i dated, would rather choose drugs over the ones he loved."

"it's actually matty, if we're gonna do it right."

it was him, again.

"and i wouldn't choose drugs over the ones i loved, not after that mistake i made with you."

i sighed deeply and slowly turned around.

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