MAD LOVE // VKOOK

chapter 9

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Inside me there's a beating heart too,
Craving for acceptance and love.
But Unfortunately
I don't have place for anything in here

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I convinced myself that I will forget you after what you made me go through. I promised myself to never think about, your name was a taboo for my mind. I vowed to myself to not shed a single tear then why my eyes are betraying me tonight. Why am I still suffering, after all these years, why I'm feeling that it was just yesterday that you left me. Why am I even crying when I promised myself that I have forgotten you a long time ago.

You forced me to build concrete walls with barbed wires around my once beating heart, not to protect it but to protect my inner self who got tangled in your web of lies. My heart is not mine anymore, why did you even bothered to walk into my life when you were going to leave it all shattered. I was doing all fine, I never told you to love me. Why did you turn a blind eye when I said you are hurting me. Was I so easy for you.

I should have listened to others when they said you were dangerous, but I trusted you. I'm not anymore angry at you but rather myself, why can't you just leave me alone.

It feels like even after all these years, without you, I'm still with you because a part of you is still breathing inside my heart. You were my first love and my one celestial love, I don't know if this goes for you too.

Your mere thought taints my heart. Our past is something that I want to treasure as well as want to burn down. Today I wonder that even when you are not with me, you are, but at the same time am I with you.

My celestial love you still live in your dreamland thinking you won but only I know that even after breaking me down, hurting me, killing me, it's me who won. It's me who actually won in your game and the dreamland you're living in is in reality your prison where your soul is trapped.

Why is my heart begging me to hear your voice saying that you had your reason, that you were forced, that I should believe you, that there's something which I'm missing.
why my heart is deceiving me.

And the saddest part of all this is that too avenge myself I have too hurt you. You might be thinking how cruel I am, how ruthless i have become but oh my love only I know how much it pained me in the left corner of my chest to see those crystal tears of yours following down your spotless face.

It suffocates me to think that I was the reason of your tears. Even I was amazed that I made my heart cry.

Seeing your hazel eyes carrying emptiness, hurt, pain, regret, guilt, sadness but mostly it reflected how broken your soul was, ripped my heart apart. In those hazel eyes of yours where once I used to loose myself, which were my comfort, my home
were once all I wanted to see was happiness, joy, or only happy tears, seeing them so glum, it vexed me too.

I loved you to death with everything I had, when I had nothing. Then imagine my loathe for you when I have everything to destroy you.

The ravenette who was once again going down in his memory line ripping his wound and once again living his nightmares chuckled after thinking about his doll who might be on his way to meet him.