MAD LOVE // VKOOK

Updates and other stuff

I wouldn't start with something as a "hi hello I know I'm not updating for some......reasons and I'll be back soon"

But I'll straight come to the point.

So the thing is I have been I an severe depression for a very long time. It's started in my late teenage years and at first I was too ignorant to do anything about it. I thought maybe if I stay with all my friends and be "people pleaser" they might accept me and stay by my side and I'll be happy and my depression will go away.

Oh...boy was I wrong.

I'm currently an emotional wreak it's like I can cry any given moment and for no particular reason.

I just completed my graduation and now I'm taking coaching for my "CAT" exams for MBA. Those of my grad. School friends who decided to pursue MBA too are now just doing CA, CS or CFA. So once again I'm alone. And this took a troll on me.

After I came home, I was completely lost for the entire month of may not knowing what to do and in the end I contacted a career counselor, who guided me.

But it's just that we as a human being are always taught since childhood to keep doing something to fit in that "society" or I would be considered as a lazy person. But now I feel like it's ok to take a break.

But then again most of my friends already started working just after grad. school and I feel inferior to them. Because we did the same degree so what she/he did different from me.

No it's no about my academic records I passed with a first class. So when I see people working at my age while I'm here in home fighting depression, it affects a lot.

No....NO NO AND IN NO WHERE I'M NOT HAPPY FOR THEM IR JEALOUS. Good luck to them and I'll cheer for them no matter what.

It's that when people are so successful around you that you, yourself start feeling inferior. And in that pressure you take steps that you regret later.

Depression is something which I was very familiar with. I have major family issues, friendship issues, abandonment issues, and many other.

My anxiety is what always gets the best of me and I'm high on procrastinating for months now.

I don't actually know whom to tell all about this. I barely have friends left to talk to.

I'm writing here since maybe you all don't me or haven't seen my face so you all wouldn't judge me and actually understand all my feelings.

It's the simplest psychological way. We understand people whom we don't actually know and less understand them whom we have known for years.

I'm from a Indian family and here depression means you're are just sad and overreacting. I don't actually know whom to tell all about this.

I can't even seek help for a specialist so I'm trying to heal myself. I want to allow myself to heal but I don't have anyone to lean on.

It's really tough somedays and nights.

I try to push away people at times as I'm scared that they'll leave me eventually. I know I hurt their feelings by doing this but I'm just protecting mine in the process.

That's how scared I am. Human mind just amaze me sometimes. I don't want to do it but I'm just so scared. I became a complete introvert in quarantine. And I feel everyday I loose a part of myself.

Now regarding the updates

So the thing is maybe I'll put this book on hold for sometime as I'm working on my other books and I know you'll will love them.

Since it's fantasy, omegaverse and other stuff.

So I'll update when I'm in right state of mind
Until then I'm really sorry for keep you'll waiting like this.

I'm trying...please I'm really trying hard it's just that I need time for myself as I can myself falling in deep Abyss with absolute no hope and energy to climb up again.

But please trust me I'm really trying. I'm a human too and no one other than me can understand me.

Sorry and thank you
But I really needed to talk to someone