it ends with us ✦ draco malfoy (sequel to endgame)

obsession

   Now that midterms are over and the end of the semester near, I don't have to be around Ash anymore, except for when we have class together. Ever since he came over to my flat and damn near defiled me on my kitchen counter, he's kept his distance from me. We only spoke when we had to work on our paper, other than that, we sat on opposite sides of the classroom and I avoided  the courtyard at all cost. It used to be one of favorite places, probably because Draco and I used to sit under the oak tree. I would read my books, laying down with my head in his lap while he hummed and brushed through my hair with his fingers. Now, it's cursed because not only does it remind me of my ex that I can't stop thinking about, but the person I hate the most always hangs out there.

    I should've known that Ash only came onto me so that he could weaken me under his thumb. It's fucking genius actually. If I didn't hate him as much as I do, I'd applaud him for coming up with something so devious. Seducing someone just so you could catch them in a vulnerable state and then pull the rug right from under them was something that I would've came up with a couple years ago. It's something I actually fucking did. Stass and I got Neville Longbottom to polyjuice as me and seduce Draco while all of Hogwarts hid in the shadows to watch me turn Draco into a ferret while Neville reveals himself.

    More than ever, I want to destroy Asher Raven. I want to make him pay for ever thinking it was acceptable to manipulate me like that. He used his sweet kisses and touch to hypnotizing me into wanting him.

    Before, I used to think that my weakness was love and affection. I fell so easily for people who was willing to just love me, to give their all to me. That's why it was so easy for me to convince myself to get back together with Theo and Draco. They both showed me love. Theo's love was so gentle and Draco's was so fierce. I loved it and that's probably why I was so reckless too. It was because I didn't stop once to think about things logically.

    Now I came to realize that my weakness is love or affection, it was just attention, sexual attention. I wouldn't have given thought to dating Theo again if we didn't hookup. Shagging him the night of the Snowflake Ball had my mind do a 180. Letting Draco fuck me in the bathroom of that restaurant had me thinking about him for days, weeks. And now with Ash, just getting the littlest piece of him has me wanting more. I'm not driven by love, I'm literally driven by sex.

    Do I even love people at this point or do I obsess over them? One second I'm on Theo, then I'm on Draco. At a moment, it was both at the same time. My feelings for them were so quick and changed so many times, it  can't be love. It has to be an obsession. The obsession that fucked me over in my friendships.

    I had an obsession with going back to this plan Theo and I made when we were young children. Once Theo showed an ounce of interest and when I heard him say that he still loved me, I quickly jumped to the whole "the universe is giving me a sign" bullshit. If anything, the universe was giving me a fucking stop sign. It was a bad idea to just fall back into old habits. There was a reason why we didn't work out in the first place. Yeah Theo cheated on me, but it was because he felt forced in our relationship. Doesn't excuse what he did, but it's a reason.

    My obsession with Draco stems from the fact that he loved me for all these years. He was in love with me when we were children and watched his best friend be someone he desperately wanted to be. But once the fairytale was over and he realized that I wasn't who he wanted me to be, Draco got out. He was mean about it, but he was gone. I constantly thought about him because I loved how passionate he was about be. Theo was too low-key, but Draco was loud about it. I loved it. I loved that someone wanted me so badly they would do whatever just to get my attention.

    Am I even sad that Draco doesn't want to be my friend anymore or am I upset that his love for me is gone? Of course I miss him, I know that, but am I missing him for the wrong reasons? I want my friend back, the one who didn't drunk fuck me in the bathroom at Hogwarts and told me I wasn't good enough for him before we left for a holiday. The one who didn't try to break my heart over and over again because I was dating someone new. But then there's that annoying part of me that want more than just friend from Draco. But this is the problem. I don't know what I want.