confessions -gawsten

Church. and Geoff

TW RAPE MENT

Awsten didn't want to get up the next morning for church and even his mother understood his pain. She recommended that he didn't go either because God would want him to rest and feel better in his presence, but God would also want him to confess about the multiple sins that occurred last night. So he went and as soon as he got there he noticed Geoff because his family and Geoff's family always sat next to each other at church, but Geoff stopped going at 13 regularly, but came one other time for Awsten a year ago. Usually they had fun together next to each other at church, but today was different.

"Awsten-" Geoff looked at him as soon as he sat down.

"No." Awsten threw back, picking at his blue church dress.

"Can I just say sorry?!" Geoff whisper-yelled, his hands curling into fists.

"No. No because- you won't mean it. You don't believe me. You never believed me and you don't care about how that made me feel. You just need to say sorry because your dad told you to." Awsten whispered back, the tears were coming back.

"I just don't understand like.. what happened. I've only really heard his story." Geoff bit his bottom lip.

"You should just understand when I just say to you that he raped me." Awsten crossed his arms and sniffled.

"He told me that you guys had sex and that when it was done you were angry for no reason and then you ran out of the bathroom and went to me because he was my close friend." Geoff frowned, "I know what I said was horrible and that you don't wanna talk to me again, but can you please just actually tell me what really happened so I can understand better." Awsten got up and grabbed Geoff's hand then brought him to the family bathroom and closed the door.

"I don't believe you. Why would I just have sex with someone when you knew how much I was against it?" Awsten crossed his arms.

"I didn't want to believe you. I don't want to think about you getting hurt like that, so I denied it because I couldn't protect you and-and I kept blaming myself because I was there. I told you I would be right back and then you were gone and I could've protected you." Geoff started to cry, "I should've just really believed you, but I felt like I failed to protect my best friend so I had to think about myself which was super selfish of me, but I still visited and stayed with you because in the back of my mind I knew you were being truthful. There was no reason for you to lie about that. I feel really really bad and I deserve to feel bad, I'm so sorry." Awsten bit his lip, frowning.

"When you left he told me he needed help with something. So I followed him and then he locked the door to this room and it was kind of dark and I was really scared and I didn't know what to do and I tried to scream but he covered my mouth and I couldn't I-" Awsten began to sob. He couldn't handle it right now. Awsten grabbed onto Geoff and sobbed. He needed off his feet, he needed to be picked up. Now. He needed to be picked up. Small. Small. He was just small. Awsten's legs began to give out and Geoff picked him up quickly.

"Here." Geoff sat on the ground against the wall, Awsten's face dig into his shoulder. He was just small. He didn't care who was holding him, but he was protected so it didn't matter.

"I hate you." Awsten whispered, "I hate you so bad." Awsten sniffled and Geoff's eyes got teary.

"I know, it's okay."

"No because I'm supposed to love you because you're supposed to be my best friend but you're just a fraud." Awsten cried out, keeping his head on Geoff's shoulder. He didn't respond and looked away.

Finally, after hours of sitting like that in silence they got up.

"I love you." Geoff stared at him up and down before leaving without another word.

"What the fuck." Awsten said to himself then walked out and went to the confessional, immediately stepping behind the screen and kneeling down onto his knees, putting his hands together and closing his eyes,

"Bless me, Father, for I have sinned. It has been 3 years since my last confession." Awsten knew his phrasing, what to say. He went everyday after the incident.

"How are you doing today?" The person behind the screen asked, Awsten shrugged as if he could see him.

"Pretty bad." Awsten frowned, picking at his dress out of anxiety, "I-I.. I had sex last night. It wasn't really sex, but we made out and he touched me. And I liked it! That's the worse part! I loved the feeling, Father. I feel like... like a whore."

"What was your motivation?" The priest questioned.

"He's attractive and he's always been my best friend. I've had the biggest crush on him ever since we were super young." Awsten pursed his lips together. He hated this, he hated that he was still madly in love with someone like Geoff.

—-

When Awsten was finished being blessed he left the room. He looked up at his mom who had a blank stare on her face.

"What?"