Amasa

Chapter seventeen - Mixed emotions

I was broken, my entire existence had been a lie. This was why it had been easy for everyone to push me into the dark, hide me and treat me however they pleased. I hated Muvuri but did not despise him because he was the only person who would plainly tell me the unfiltered truth even if he had the intent to hurt. He had everything to lose by making me aware of my bloodline but he obviously he had more to gain since he did tell me. Hidden agendas were his leisure activity.

I spent the whole night piecing together what I was potentially going to do and how to behave after finding out this life altering information. I did not share blood with the king, was kidnapped after serving as a promise holder for a debt of grain and life stock for my actual family. I had to be wise. I needed to be calm. It was the best alternative I had, I would use the behavior that I was familiar with,  to act the only way I knew how to.

I was going to escape today. I would take the risk after meeting up with Rima tonight and run to wherever. I would make my own way back home, no matter how hard or painful it would be, I had to prove it to myself that I was stronger than what everyone perceived me to be. I was not equivalent to grain or an easy way to gain offspring. I could not let myself die in the wilderness either. I had to survive.

I had decided to talk to Father one last time, to leave in peace knowing that I said my goodbyes, even if he didn't know that that was the objective of what I was doing.

"I was told that you wanted to see me?"

"Yes Father."

"The days of your Mother's memorial dedication have not all elapsed yet, you should follow tradition and respectfully go back to your hut."

I paused. I did not expect to have so many emotions rush in unison with my blood when Father said my 'Mother's memorial'. I should have also been upset with my Father, he wasn't my actual Father either and yet my heart could not do so. My inner self truly believed that the action of my kidnapping was spear headed by Chioneko. With the surmounting pressure of society as a Queen with no child, she took the opportunity when she could.

Father probably took me in because he was willing to love any child and make him or her his own, especially being a girl child, that needed some kind of extra care for me. Or at least I would like to believe so. Maybe it was also due to the infatuation he had for Chioneko, blindly falling for any request she demanded from him. He would have still been forced to love me either way if that was the case.

"Why can't we spend time together as a tradition for Mother's death Father? We've done this ceremony almost ten times now. I have been thinking about her a lot lately and I am in pain. Confinement when we're grieving causes my heart to ache even more."

King Toga was seated alone in the throne room, his large structure spilling over from his throne with his head low.

"Why do you find it difficult to look at me Father, especially during this season? It breaks me."

Please realize that I'm yearning for your attention Father. For the love and warmth you used to give me before Chioneko died.

"You remind me of so much my daughter, your presence sometimes brings me pain and its not your fault. For that I am sorry."

"All I want Father, my deepest desire my king is that you see me."

"I do my daughter."

"You don't Father, you see everything else in me, but you fail to see my heart..."

My voice was cracking from emotion with my nose getting warm from the hot air that was flaring it up.

"I love you Father with all my heart, and I always will. I just feel that it is time for me to love myself the way I have been trying to be loved by you and everyone else around me."